I love the rewrite!  It really spoke to me.  I think by taking out all the
other animal similes you use in the first version you made a piece that is
strong and vibrant and not at all as top heavy as the original.  Great work.
I'm snapping my fingers. Kudos.  Annabelle.

-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of Colin dewar
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 1:13 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Sub


Which is better, the original or the rewrite? Please see below.

REWRITE:

On the interview panel


We interview peacocks,
preened for the occasion.
Each bony grip meets mine.

They are fowl in a shop
watching with anxious eyes.
We poke and pry

until their mouths open like flowers
to show their soft hearts.
We put our hands down their throats

and squeeze them.
They are so eager to please.
How their avarice and anger are denied.

We force them into song,
listening for weakness,
as they expose bone.

We press them to the last dregs,
searching for the sweetness of ambition
and discard what's left.

We crack and strip them like roasts
and they are grilled in the heat
of this narrow, imperial sun.

We do all this and learn nothing
of who they are,
or why they have come.

----------------------------------------------------------



ORIGINAL:

On the interview panel


We do not interview people but peacocks
preened for the occasion.
Their cold clammy hands

clutch at mine like claws.
They are like cats or dogs in a shop
watching with anxious eyes.

We compare them like grey hounds demonstrating form.
They are like chimps in a lab
and what we ask of them is awful.

We prod them with questions to see how they respond.
We poke and pry
until their mouths open like flowers

to show their gay hearts.
We put our hands down their throats and squeeze them.
They are so eager to please.

How their avarice and anger are denied.
We press them like oranges to the last drip
searching for the sweetness of ambition

and expel the pith.
We force them to declare themselves,
to state their weaknesses

and they expose shell.
We crack and peel them like prawns
and they are grilled in the heat

of this narrow, imperial sun.
We do all this and learn nothing of who they are,
or why they have come.

__________________________________

Colin