Hi James,
Yeh, I'm going with the comments that are being made below. It seems/feels 
as if you're searching for words to describe what's seen. The words you've 
used don't seem to work too well.

I also wondered about:
"Harried by gulls he retaliates
for sand and water trod harbours food"
I can't quite work out meanings for the way the words follow each other. It 
looks as if it's a sentence and I want it to work as one. Do you need the 
couplet?
It's worth working on IMO, it's got somthing going for it.
Bob


>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: An Egret
>Date: Wed, 6 Oct 2004 15:30:28 +0300
>
> > Hello James,
>               I would endorse a couple of comments made by (I think) Gary, 
>who suggested changing the line break in the penultimate line of S2 and 
>queried the line `for sand and water trod harbours food´. I also note the 
>verbs you use to describe the egret´s foot movements. I readily confess 
>that I´ve never observed an egret, indeed I´ve never knowingly seen one and 
>you´ve obviously observed closely so I´m happy to accept your statement 
>that its movements are flat-footed. And flat-footed movements may be 
>described as plodding, but is `waddle´ really the right word? (Of course, 
>it may be.) And what about `stomp´ for a bird as elegant as I presume an 
>egret to be? But as I said, I´m out of my depth with the finer points of 
>bird watching so these comments are very much in the nature of wonderings. 
>One last point, I wonder if it´s possible to avoid the repetition of 
>`harry/harried´ in a fairly short space.
>Hope this is useful.
>
>
>
>Best wishes,    Mike
>
>
>
>
> > A new piece for comment.
> >
> > AN EGRET
> >
> > An egret stomps
> > flat footed through the shallows
> > pauses in a proud pencil shape
> >
> > If you did not know better
> > you would suspect
> > it aped the human state
> > and was not engaged in something
> > natural
> >
> > Harried by gulls he retaliates
> > for sand and water trod harbours food
> >
> > The egret flies and plods other ground
> > upriver - a pause, a dash, a dip of beak
> > underwater
> >
> > While the gulls still fuss and harry
> > the egret nods in a forward waddle
> > to further food
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Stay in touch with absent friends - get MSN Messenger
> > http://www.msn.co.uk/messenger
> >

_________________________________________________________________
Express yourself with cool new emoticons http://www.msn.co.uk/specials/myemo