Mike, the *italics* fit well into the poem. But I see other things, here
The last drips of last night´s rain
drop from the end of the drainpipe
into the water butt. They´ve been doing
this for hours. I know because I´ve watched.
last/last and drips/drop
Perhaps your intent was a sing-song effect, but to me it does not work, and
ruins the read. Mavbe
Last night's rain drips
from drainpipe to water butt.
The drops fell for hours.
I know, I've watched.
*And here I am, the
center of all beauty.*
A different poem? Perhaps but imo less telling.
The rest I leave to you.
Good luck.
Gary
GO TO http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ THE BEST NEW ZINE ON THE WEB and to
http://www.mindfirerenew.com/FireWeed/0904-front.html for our new monthly
mini-zine. Poets for Peace.... ¡Poemas sí, balas no!
|