Hi Barbara,
Thanks for these valuable comments. I will have a ponder over them.
bw
James
>From: Barbara Ostrander <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New Sub: Scene To Go
>Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2004 09:36:08 EDT
>
>In a message dated 9/25/2004 7:44:24 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
> > SCENE TO GO
> >
> > It's better now
> > though the wind blows hard and
> > cold up the estuary and
> > others have gone for the season
> > have dropped their facade of ownership
> > of living around here
> >
> > Today only the gulls,
> > someone hunched over a bench
> > with a coffee to go and you
> > are on the scene
> > where only wind and gulls make noise
> >
> > You try to read some Wang Wei
> > and the coffee to go flips a magazine
> > when the wind lets up for a second or two
> > and the old fishing boat opposite shifts
> > on its moorings
> >
> > None here claim ownership -
> > some are content to fish for food
> > from a wild high tide river
> > or like you and the coffee to go
> > just pass through
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>James,
>
>I loved the poem but the "coffee to go" doesn't work for me. Even before I
>read the whole thing, I didn't like "to go" in the second stanza. Maybe in
>the
>last stanza but not three times.
>
>someone hunched over a bench
>with a coffee to go and you** with a coffee for warmth and you
>
>and the coffee to go flips a magazine***delete to go
>when the wind lets up for a second or two
>
>leave last stanza as is.
>
>Just some ideas, hope this helps,
>Barbara
_________________________________________________________________
It's fast, it's easy and it's free. Get MSN Messenger today!
http://www.msn.co.uk/messenger
|