Hi Mike,
Good to have you back on TheWorks! It's sort of assuring to discover that
someone else's summer could have been as wet as mine!
And an interesting piece to return with – extending a cliché given in the
title and playing with metaphor.
And I’m wondering two things…
First: Is it too long? (Cos, at times, I feel you’re only really writing
about wine and women – and the song part doesn’t do much in the poem except
perhaps refer back to the title).
and Second: Is it too short – and not developed enough?
Thinking of the second (which interests me more!) I’m wondering if more
could be shown about the similarities between the Wine and the Song(s) and
the Women (or, woman!). Saying more about the song and the wine could show
more, by inference. And I guess you could be surprised by what turns up.
(The word "difficult" amazed me! Perhaps that's why I've become so
interested in the wine!)
In focusing on the song comparison I feel the mention is too abstract just
on its own. What song? Is it what you (both) sang? Or is it heard played on
(whatever)? Or is there something else about it you can let us focus on?
I feel as if I want details that I can recognise as what I would remember if
I was there as well as you. Ther poem is an invitation to share the
experience: your style seems to infer they only belong to you.
So with the wine, I’m also playing the metaphor/similarities further. Wine
is much more than taste. Reading the poem, below, I’m feeling the wine has
more significance. But it could be that a balance of images (2 or 3 for the
music and for the drink? Or more?) might delay our discovery of the powerful
last mention of taste and, so, add to its significance.
So, I'm just playing (and getting rid of the word memories - cos we know
they're memories! - how about something like this:
"... recalled through the years
and (like?) the way amber Sauternes
catches (or caught?) the light of evening sun,
it's gleam in the glass, the sip
like the taste of the tongue
of a lover who left long ago,"
Do you see how I'm playing. Changing from present to past tense changes a
lot, too! Which works better? Whaddya think?
Bob
>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: [PK] Huh, call that summer?+new sub
>Date: Wed, 15 Sep 2004 10:55:23 +0300
>
> >
> > Huh, call that summer? It felt more like a cold shower.
> > Hello troops. I believe at the start of the summer break I suggested
>that those few bods who were vacationing somewhat further south of the
>arctic circle than we stalwart souls who chose to pass the season inside
>Finland´s border were lost. In the event, however, it rather looks as if
>they knew something the rest of us didn´t. Oh well, I suppose it would be
>naive to expect a summer in Finland without rain.....a little less of it
>would have been nice though.
> > And on that theme, here´s a rather wistful little piece.
> >
> > Welcome back, Mike. Thanks, it´s good to be here.
> >
> >
> >
> > Wine, Women and Song
> >
> > Like a difficult wine,
> > made of a sensitive grape,
> > summer here often fails.
> > But one year in ten
> > there are days when the air
> > is as soft on the skin
> > as a lover´s caress,
> > so unlike the burning sand (could this become the soil wine's grown in,
>perhaps?)
> > and dry thirst of southern lands.
> >
> > Days that live in the memory (Days is a bit general, vague...)
> > like the notes of a favourite melody (see notes above...)
> > recalled through the years.
> >
> > Memories to be sipped,
> > as one sips an amber Sauternes,
> > the essence of summer on the tongue (don't like tongue mentioned twice!)
> > like the taste of the tongue > of a lover who left long ago.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Mike
> >
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