To me Gary the fart, etc., is definitely out of place in this poem if you
are
trying to capture the tone and flavor of the literal translation. It just
doesn't work. That is my opinion. Think about it. I assume you won't
agree
and will be upset at my audacity. I like the poem very much otherwise.
Let's
just say those images, fart, belch, make the poem lose its Zen. Sue
--Sue
Sue, why upset. Your opinion is what it is and is welcome. This is a
series where, while the poems must stand alone, they must also fit together.
But there must also be variation. At #8 it was time for scat and less Zen.
Actually, in Eastern poetry there is a tradition of such blunt talk and the
use of such images.
Thanks.
*
Dear Gary,
I find the inclusion of the bodily functions rather refreshing.
Fart -- or the sound of one cheek chapping --lol.
I think this is probably my favourite of the series so far, because it gives
me more of the sense of a life lived, rather than a typical oriental
landscape.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
Grassy, after I read your post, I reread the poems as a series. 1 and 6 are
the most Eastern. 2 and 4 are urban like this one. One of the tricks in a
series is variation and will probably need to do some rewrite to get more.
Some of that depends on the order - whether I keep them in the order I've
written or as Wang Wei wrote them.
Thanks and smiles.
Gary
GO TO http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ THE BEST NEW ZINE ON THE WEB and to
http://www.mindfirerenew.com/FireWeed/0904-front.html for our new monthly
mini-zine. Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
|