Hi Colin,
I've liked reading this! It's both sentimental and not sentimental - it
creates a softness that belongs to its subject.
I also think the 2nd person works OK - it would sound a bit sweet&twee&gushy
in the 1st person, IMHO.
I'm wondering, tho, if the list is a tad too long... (I'd snip the castles
line myself - it's a bit ordinary!) and I'm wondering if you've thought
another line might not be needed, too? How many images do you need to get
the reader to get the picture? (Maybe the rule of three should apply? Or
four at the most?)
And I'm not sure what to make of "too soon the things you will not know" (I
can't make it make any sense to me).
And "all cities"? Wow, some child! Do you need the word "all"? (You've used
it later on in the poem, too where it's needed) and "soft" gets used twice,
too.
But I can go with the feeling it's caught, it's warm.
Bob


>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: sub/sleeping
>Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 20:37:19 -0000
>
>Health warning: high in refined carbohydrate
>
>
>
>    Child sleeping
>
>It's a wonderful thing
>to have a child fall asleep in your arms,
>to lie there awake,
>aware of their sleeping,
>against your palm a soft head of hair
>while you listen to breathing
>like waves on a shore.
>
>That head no bigger than breadfruit
>holds forests with wolves and bears,
>castles with walls,
>the ghosts in the wardrobe,
>all cities with lamps
>glowing through windows with halos like orange stars,
>whale clouds that plunge in an ocean of blue,
>the planets that turn in their books,
>too soon the things you will not know,
>for now all folded
>in the soft ball
>that has just rolled onto your shoulder.
>
>____________________________________

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