Hi Annabelle,
I like what you're doing in your poem - though it's kinda frightening to 
read about autumn, or the fall, when I'm still trying to believe it's 
summer!
And I'm sidling in with comments that maybe echo things others are saying...
One thing that might help with it is to think of all the small words like: 
"as" (which you use) and also "while", "then", and, "so" (which isn't as 
useful) which can tone down the feeling that the poem is JUST a list of 
things - I mean if somethings happening "while" something else is happening 
then it doesn't feel as if everything's following everything else in a list.
And one thing that I'm also prone to (so I chuckle when I see this!) is 
words ending in "ing" which could be changed: running/run, looking/look, 
etc. Not all need be changed, just a few...
And I'm wondering about the title... maybe you could give the name of a 
place (I love place names - they're so musical, so delish to say!), or time 
of day, or some such information that fits alongside what the poem's then 
revealing. And what about colours? This seems like a poem that could take 
some colour words and use them well!
Bob
Who's now feeling chilly, time for a sweatshirt!


>From: Annabelle Baptista <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Fall
>Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 15:09:04 -0400
>
>-Thanks Catherine for your response it is very helpful.
>
>-Ryfka it is a poem that just seemed to come to me.  A lot of my poems are 
>this way but unfortunately to me they do not "work".  They are very visual 
>and sometimes they seem to turn into a laundry list because I'm unable to 
>tie the moment together, that's what I'm trying to work on.  -Annabelle
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
>Behalf Of Ryfkah *
>Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2004 12:58 PM
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Fall
>
>
>Shalom Annabelle,
>
>I was wondering if this poem came up the way you wrote it?  I like the 
>images
>portrayed like nimble clouds hatching clouds, flowers skirts made of tulle,
>etc...very visual.
>
>kol tuv, Ryfkah
>
>
>In a message dated 08/25/2004 7:44:16 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
>
><<
>
>Fall
>
>
>People running through the streets
>
>
>looking over their shoulder attract
>
>
>not as much attention as
>
>
>nimble clouds hatching swans
>
>
>around truculent dinosaur’s teeth with
>
>
>elephant’s ears.
>
>
>A placid wind blows showing indifference
>
>
>as I inspect the land
>
>
>As it transforms from calm into Leviathan
>
>
>during the Autumn months.
>
>
>Fall hustles the leaves from on high into the gutter
>
>
>stream.
>
>
>The flowers skirts made of tulle
>
>
>twirl as the cars drive by.
>
>
>The trees attempt to hitchhike bending to meet the cars whizzing
>
>
>along the road.
>
>
>A man pushes and shoves a rake combing the ground while
>
>
>Small children in constant motion wearing jackets
>
>
>wool hats and scarves mimic the snowmen who
>
>
>are to come and hold their place.
>
>
>
>
>Annabelle Baptista >>

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