Hi Gary,
Thinking further about Wang Wei's piece and your transformation...
In his piece the narrator is invisible! In yours the narrator is present.
Maybe that's significant.
Bob
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: (The third in a series of transformations of Wang Wei's River
>Wang poems.)
>Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 13:04:23 +0000
>
>Hi Gary,
>I’m not as sure of this one as I was of the one about the Observation
>Platform. It’s as if this one’s trying too hard to be a poem whereas the
>other one’s presentation of subject seemed so effortless. Perhaps, if I’d
>come across this one without enjoying the other one so much, I might have
>read it easier.
>One thing I noticed with this one, too, (and I’ve noticed this on a number
>of readings) is that I keep thinking there’s only one person mentioned when
>the poem starts – I somehow can’t associate the shoes with more than one
>pair of feet – so I then really puzzle over the “we” later in the poem. I’d
>feel happier if I knew there was more than one person earlier on – or if
>the poem just showed me one person all the way through…
>Bob
>Who also enjoys the way they're called "transformations"! It's a subtle,
>clever, way of using the word!
>
>
>>From: Gary Blankenship <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: (The third in a series of transformations of Wang Wei's River
>>Wang poems.)
>>Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 21:32:34 -0700
>>
>>(The third in a series of transformations of Wang Wei's River Wang poems.)
>>
>>A River Transformed III: After Wang Wei's Luan House Rapids -
>>
>>Beyond the Estuary
>>
>>A torrent drowns duckweed and bulrush;
>>squalls whip cattails and willow thickets.
>>Canvas wet outside and in, soaked shoes
>>squish-squish with each mud-mired step.
>>
>>A trickle, rivulet, rush flows over field,
>>macadam; into cellars and badger holes.
>>Boats break from their moorings, trash bins
>>float like empty shells past broken dolls and trikes.
>>
>>On a cloudless night, we embrace the stars;
>>we pour diamonds through our stained fingers.
>>On a cold autumn night, jewels turn to flotsam;
>>promises dull, lumps of cinder without warmth.
>>
>>A summer's debris drifts to block the drain,
>>a white feather trapped between stones.
>>
>>The literal translation by Wai-Lim Yip: Rill of the House of the Luans
>>
>>blast-blast --- autumn rain/s middle
>>lightly-lightly/shallow-shallow --- rock flow pour
>>jump wave/s-bead/s self mutual/each other splash
>>white egret startle again down
>>
>>Blast of wind amidst autumn rains,
>>patter-patter upon rocky clod.
>>Jumping beads splash against each other.
>>A white egret - started - then down.
>>
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>
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