Hi Catherine,
I'm wondering about the ordering of the stanzas...
The "Beast caged" stanza seems like a good start of a poem to me... then
maybe the 1st stanza...

The piece also has a sort of "rule of 3" pattern in it. Things are repeated,
with different words, three times & the rhythm seems to impell 3 lines to
repeat the beat established in the first of them.
So... if the poem were tightened up (which I'd like to see happen) I'd also
have an ear open for how the sounds still re-inforce each other - but if one
or two rhythmical 3-some sound phrases dissappear then there might still be
enough to keep the power that the poem's created.
Bob


>From: catherine JF <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new sub -(rough draft): Hippocampus
>Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 11:48:58 +0100
>
>Hippocampus
>
>
>The pungent scent of cypress
>
>flings my mind into a recess
>
>better left unvisited.
>
>
>
>It begins:
>
>
>
>boiling bowels,
>
>hot faecal liquid
>
>slides like mercury
>
>through pulsing unlit tunnels.
>
>
>
>The beast caged
>
>beneath my ribs yawns
>
>starts pacing,
>
>gnawing at its bars,
>
>howling dumbly.
>
>
>
>Tyres on tarmac,
>
>a neighbour hammering,
>
>chattering magpie,
>
>the white hum of each machine
>
>performing its duty in my home;
>
>I hear but do not hear.
>
>
>
>If I clench my teeth
>
>I will not vomit,
>
>I will not cry out,
>
>I will not breathe,
>
>loud enough to be heard.
>
>
>
>In this brain fold
>
>motionless is best.
>
>Play dead for safety.
>
>
>
>
>
>In future I will keep the windows closed.

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