Hi Catherine,
Grassy's got good ideas for the neither/nor
Or you could phrase it:
No director, no agent, no audience
(are) watching in the dim-out
as we stumble...
(then it sounds more over-dramatic, IMO).
I'm also concerned about the "you" in the 1st and last stanzas. I don't
think they're supposed to be the same "you" It's as if one's general and the
other's particular:
one is, "That's what you/we all do..." kind of tone
and the other's directed at a specific person, "That's what you, Bob, would
do."
That's one great difficulkty I find with the 2nd person in writing: "You"
can be plural or singular - know what I mean?
I'm also wondering if the poem can carry more details, become a monologue
perhaps? I sense that a drama queen could and would say more. She's got a
great opening line, I feel she could exploit the situation a bit more!
Bob
>From: catherine JF <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: Drama Queen
>Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 23:42:58 +0100
>
>Comments welcome - please advise with neither - nor!
>
>
>
>Drama Queen
>
>
>
>
>
>All this strutting and fretting
>
>and you don't even get a bit part
>
>in this production.
>
>
>
>Neither director, agent nor audience
>
>watching in the dim-out
>
>as we stumble through our lines.
>
>
>
>I select scenes to replay
>
>in these private screenings
>
>only the lighting is yours.
>
>
>
>Can you fill the gaps in the script
>
>by studying my flush or pallor,
>
>by reading my hands and eyes?
>
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