remember the wasps were quiet. *** This last line doesn't feel quite
right.
Not too keen on the repetition of 'remember'. 'The wasps were quiet'
sounds fine to me.
Christina, final is never final or should it be. "Remember, the wasps were
quiet." to me is the echo of a refrain and therefore important to the
music. I need to let the poem marinate for a bit. Perhaps when I pick it
up again in 06, I will see remember as a conceit.
'Thunder reverberates over black peaks;' is a good call, but the current is
echoes Chinese construction more. I pasted the comment with the poem for a
later look.
Thanks.
*
I'm still struggling a little to feel easy with two of the lines:
"the mountains ring with laughter" - which I can't yet associate with the
previous line's storm too easily - and it sounds overly poetic to me...
and
"empty nests FOR(???) the day to end" (which I can't grasp at all!!! -
yet...)
In the first versions, I had thieves and priests, a mob's anger. I
lightened it up.
And waited beneath cedar and nests for day to end. ??? returned.
Seriously, your comments will be considered.
Glad you like the tense change. Thanks.
Smiles.
Gary
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Issue 1 ready to read. Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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