Hi Sue,
Two (or three) thoughts:
Do you need the word "remember"? Perhaps you feel you do... it's a word
that's doing so much work in the poem but it's worth asking the question:
how would the poem be different without the word.
And the line: "above the lapping water" - if it were deleted each of the
stanzas would be the same length.
And you have the word "called" and the word "call" (very close to each
other). is that intentional?
Oh, I've four thoughts... Is the word "limb" (first stanza) an intentional
anthropomorphism? I guess I would say "branches"
But, all that said, it's an evocative poem. The two people are hardly
mentioned, but they're there!
Bob
>From: Sue Scalf <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new one: With You
>Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2004 14:28:18 EDT
>
>With You
>
>Breakers tipped with foam and gold,
>a clean sharp wind
>the roll and dip and creak
>of a sailing ship—
>horizon everywhere—
>salt upon the skin and lips—
>we were together then.
>
>Upon the mountains snow
>falls deep into hollows, across
>rutted roads, bending pines,
>making of land another sea
>silence broken only by the wind
>or a limb's whisper as it falls.
>Deer lift their heads. Remember?
>
>Morning mist cloaks the river,
>the souls of the dead
>I've heard it called.
>And marsh birds
>call muffled questions
>above the lapping water.
>Sound is a slow drum
>that becomes the rain.
>
>Sue Scalf
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