Bob, thank you for your in depth analysis of these two poems. Guess we need
to get into the writers head to fathom some poems out. I agree inscribed
sounds better. I nearly always base my poems on fact as I write from my
heart how I am feeling at that moment in time.
I went to the cemetary placed flowers on my husbands grave it was nearly my
birthday and I was feeling sad. The previous flowers had turned to dust
crumbled in my fingers. There was another lady nearby tending her late
husbands grave and I thought of their ashes and how the flowers could not
mingle with ashes. A seperation if you like. Ashes to ashes dust to dust but
never ashes to dust. Dust to ashes. The dust of the petals a metaphor for
the dust of the women who were sad.
Now for the bookcase poem. Well I was cleaning the bookcase and I have too
many books some "double parked " books in front of books. I could not get on
as I was reading the poetry the dead poets words and the words of poets I no
longer see. I hadn't dusted for ages and although the dead dust cells made
me sneeze the words had much more effect and bothered me all day. I thought
of the words as being alive.
Thank you for your comments. I will most likely have a look at the poems in
a few weeks and do a bit of adjusting here and there. sally j

>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new subs two short and not so sweet poems
>Date: Tue, 3 Aug 2004 11:18:00 +0000
>
>Hi Sally,
>I'm liking these poems - but like the second one more! Why?
>
>I don't know... it might be in the 1st one that the phrase "living words"
>sounds a bit pretentious/over-blown to me... Would the poem work, perhaps
>more powerfully, if "living words" was replaced by, say, "quiet words"?
>(Or,
>if that's too much of a contratst to what you might be intending, any other
>kind of words?). I felt that the adjective "living" was doing far too much
>work, and I was left to do nothing -- except wonder if another word might
>give me more space to get at what you're writing about...
>
>And then...
>
>In the second poem...
>I agree that there's problems with the middle stanza -- but... the words
>petals, dust, ashes, are doing a job in the poem (it's the other words in
>the stanza that aren't helping them do what they're there to do!)
>So, here's a suggestion:
>3 line stanzas!
>
>This afternoon
>
>in the cemetary
>the sun shone
>on names inscribed in gold
>
>two women stand on petals,
>smeared in dust,
>in ashes,
>
>place fresh flowers
>in new urns
>smile at each other
>
>in silence
>
>Not yet quite right, but there's something to work on... (and moving the
>actions into the present tense enables the 2nd stanza to provide a bit of
>what's happened before...). Now there's the terrible quandries of which
>small words the poem needs, and where they're needed!
>It might be that it still won't work! (But sometimes - and only sometimes -
>when a word doesn't work too well it isn't always that word's fault, it
>might be one or two of the others!)
>I think switching to the present tense also gives more impact to the title!
>I think the poem's now got drama as well as reflectivity! Before it just
>felt relfective... but now I'm thinking far more about the strength of the
>silence!
>Bob
>
>
>>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: new subs two short and not so sweet poems
>>Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 19:16:39 +0100
>>
>>Just an experiment writing very few words to give a big picture and a
>>little
>>thought or the other way around
>>
>>
>>
>>Cleaning the bookcase
>>
>>I dust his books
>>
>>dead cells
>>float from the covers
>>make me sneeze
>>
>>I open his books
>>
>>living words
>>jump from the pages
>>make me cry
>>
>>settle the dust.
>>
>>
>>sally james
>>
>>
>>this afternoon
>>
>>in the cemetery
>>the sun shone
>>on names
>>scribed in gold
>>
>>petals had
>>turned to dust
>>could not mingle
>>with ashes
>>
>>two women
>>placed fresh flowers
>>in new urns
>>smiled at each other
>>
>>in silence.
>>
>>
>>sally james
>>
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