Hi James,
Yeh, elkusive...
I’ve never felt satisfied with writing using the second person. No, to tell
the truth I’ve been confused and frightened about trying it!
So, I’m intrigued by what you’re doing and how you’re doing it.
Never found I was saying the things you're saying.
Bob
>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Sixteenth Of June(Bob)
>Date: Sat, 17 Jul 2004 12:26:37 +0000
>
>Hi Bob,
>
>I love the shear detail of your reading here. I'm hesitant to go with all
>of
>what you say as I want to preserve the first impulse of the poem, although
>this is a late draft. I've printed off the comments (which I value greatly)
>to have a think about and maybe play a little more with the text. I sem to
>want to do this more ellusive approach at the moment.
>
>
>
>bw
>James
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re: New sub: Sixteenth Of June
>>Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:18:22 +0000
>>
>>Hi James,
>>It's interesting that you've chosen the "you" voice for this - since I
>>(your
>>"you" in this instance) have to make the link between what the geese are
>>doing and Bloomsday. I find I'm intruiged by "those books" and wonder
>>just
>>what they are... And I keep thinking about the word "bookstore" and wonder
>>why it's not "bookshop" - a more UK kind of word - so am I being gently
>>pushed towards another perspective with the choice of word? (Is it
>>"bookstore" in Dublin these days?)
>>But in the end I keep thinking, "I want more details!" It's as if I can
>>only
>>enter "another narrative" if I know more about where I am. I like,
>>however,
>>the line, "you try to pin down the feeling..." and can go with how you
>>feel
>>about watching the geese. So I guess it's the penultimate stanza that's
>>not
>>working as well as the others. Could you make two stanzas by adding more
>>details here perhaps? Maybe, if you add just one line, play with stanzas
>>hereabouts to make all the stanzas three-liners...
>>Cos I'm also thinking the poem might start better without it's first two
>>lines. I think it starts where the images start! (And the three line
>>stanzas
>>give lots of good spaces and add to the feel of the piece). I guess I'm
>>also
>>remembering what you said about the last poem you submitted in the 2nd
>>person voice, too, but even though these lines try to show you're
>>adressing
>>yourself there's also a sense that the "you" voice also (at the same time)
>>addresses the reader and says: Hey, reader, occupy the space I'm writing
>>from!
>>Bob
>>
>>
>>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: New sub: Sixteenth Of June
>>>Date: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 09:12:25 +0000
>>>
>>>A little late but there we are.
>>>
>>>SIXTEENTH OF JUNE
>>>
>>>you reach the hiatus of a blank page
>>>as images impact on the eyes
>>>
>>>the Canada geese are still here
>>>still on their patch of estuary sand
>>>with the tide well out
>>>
>>>and the trickle of a river
>>>going by in this heat -
>>>nothing holds, you find no focus
>>>
>>>though you try to pin down the feeling
>>>as the geese enter the water to cool down
>>>
>>>you realise June is a short month
>>>and are tempted to buy those books
>>>you saw in the the bookstore in town
>>>
>>>realise too that it's Bloomsday
>>>and are now ready to enter
>>>another narrative other than this.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>bw
>>>James
>>>
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