Hi Bob,
I love the shear detail of your reading here. I'm hesitant to go with all of
what you say as I want to preserve the first impulse of the poem, although
this is a late draft. I've printed off the comments (which I value greatly)
to have a think about and maybe play a little more with the text. I sem to
want to do this more ellusive approach at the moment.
bw
James
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Sixteenth Of June
>Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:18:22 +0000
>
>Hi James,
>It's interesting that you've chosen the "you" voice for this - since I
>(your
>"you" in this instance) have to make the link between what the geese are
>doing and Bloomsday. I find I'm intruiged by "those books" and wonder just
>what they are... And I keep thinking about the word "bookstore" and wonder
>why it's not "bookshop" - a more UK kind of word - so am I being gently
>pushed towards another perspective with the choice of word? (Is it
>"bookstore" in Dublin these days?)
>But in the end I keep thinking, "I want more details!" It's as if I can
>only
>enter "another narrative" if I know more about where I am. I like, however,
>the line, "you try to pin down the feeling..." and can go with how you feel
>about watching the geese. So I guess it's the penultimate stanza that's not
>working as well as the others. Could you make two stanzas by adding more
>details here perhaps? Maybe, if you add just one line, play with stanzas
>hereabouts to make all the stanzas three-liners...
>Cos I'm also thinking the poem might start better without it's first two
>lines. I think it starts where the images start! (And the three line
>stanzas
>give lots of good spaces and add to the feel of the piece). I guess I'm
>also
>remembering what you said about the last poem you submitted in the 2nd
>person voice, too, but even though these lines try to show you're adressing
>yourself there's also a sense that the "you" voice also (at the same time)
>addresses the reader and says: Hey, reader, occupy the space I'm writing
>from!
>Bob
>
>
>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New sub: Sixteenth Of June
>>Date: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 09:12:25 +0000
>>
>>A little late but there we are.
>>
>>SIXTEENTH OF JUNE
>>
>>you reach the hiatus of a blank page
>>as images impact on the eyes
>>
>>the Canada geese are still here
>>still on their patch of estuary sand
>>with the tide well out
>>
>>and the trickle of a river
>>going by in this heat -
>>nothing holds, you find no focus
>>
>>though you try to pin down the feeling
>>as the geese enter the water to cool down
>>
>>you realise June is a short month
>>and are tempted to buy those books
>>you saw in the the bookstore in town
>>
>>realise too that it's Bloomsday
>>and are now ready to enter
>>another narrative other than this.
>>
>>
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
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