Dear Colin,
The first thing that struck me is that, with 3 male and unnamed
characters,you've got some confusion with the third-person pronoun, which I
think needs to be addressed.
' the watched boy landed in the couloir
till blood dripped from his face like rain.'
Did you mean to capitalise Earth in the last strophe?
He landed in the couloir till blood dripped from his face ? That seems to
imply he landed several times, which isn't your intention.
The poem is weakened by the distancing, I think. We've not even told what
the father thought, but of speculation about what he thought, so the poem
seems very remote and 'tell-y' to me.
Kind regards,
grassshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "hui dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, July 11, 2004 6:14 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] newsub/reckoning
> The reckoning
>
> Perhaps he was astounded
> when the second son wouldn't follow
> the same road as the first, but smoked
> from the age of ten and injected at twelve,
> stashed loot beneath his bed,
>
> and yet he never thought
> why the elder did none of these
> but heeded his call to high places,
> scarce looked at Cuillin's crest
> but sought heaven, as if joy
> sprang from the barren rock.
>
> The old man, widowed as he was
> from youth and having nothing else left
> but his army pension must have been proud
> to see his own young flesh
> beckoned by sun beyond cloud.
>
> That life was odd, with even share
> of good and bad, he must have thought,
> that fate took with one hand
> as it gave with the other,
> even to the point when solid rock
> gave way. Unfeathered as Icarus,
> the watched boy landed in the couloir
> till blood dripped from his face like rain.
>
> He must have been ungrounded
> with one lost and the other gone on pathless stone
> and yet he never wondered why
> the second was ablaze with strength
> from the day he dug his brother's grave,
> heaped round shovelfuls of Earth
> on the rosewood coffin.
>
>
> Colin
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