I received also the private discussion below, in error.
GV
Website: http://users.skynet.be/geert.verbeke.bowls
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----- Original Message -----
From: "hui dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, July 08, 2004 9:46 AM
Subject: Re: new sub Cradle snatching/Sally J
> Sally,
>
> Yes I did like it and I think/feel the poem is ninety percent there.
Maybe
> the last line could become 2 or 3 lines if it would be helpful (to add
> piognancy to what is also quite an amusing poem). I don't know what change
> you made since then and it could easily be that you have already amended
it
> to your satisfaction.
>
> BW
>
> Colin
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 8:39 PM
> Subject: Re: new sub Cradle snatching/Sally J
>
>
> > Thanks for your careful reading Colin, you are right about the last
line.
> I
> > have altered it after a sugestion from Barbara. To "and the same age as
my
> > son". You are right about the "pecs" too, I should know this. I did have
> my
> > doubts about "and no builders bum" so will revise again. I am glad you
> like
> > it. Sally J
> >
> >
> > >From: hui dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: Re: new sub Cradle snatching/Sally J
> > >Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 13:07:14 +0100
> > >
> > >Sally,
> > >
> > >I like this poem but I'm not sure about the last line. I suppose that
> even
> > >on the second reading and with the helpful title it comes across as too
> > >surprising. The first part of the poem is concise and vivid and comes
> with
> > >an amusing shift from the possibility of an elfin figure to the sexual
> > >athlete of the remainder of the poem. That's great because it's funny
and
> > >because it reminds the reader that things are seldom as they seem. I
> might
> > >leave out the last line of S1 " but no builder's bum" because it is too
> > >serious and concrete and detracts a little from the energetic shift in
> gear
> > >in the lines preceding it. Peks should be pecs? BTW. Would Art in this
> > >context have a capital letter. I don't know. But it's worth checking
and
> > >others might know for sure. To return to the last line, the line before
> it
> > >is excellent. It suggests the passage of time, wistfully apparent but
> then
> > >after that excellent penultimate line there is the confusing
possibility
> > >that the man on the roof is the narrator's son (separated from his
> > >biological parents at birth, according to the title). Of course that
> could
> > >just be my defective reading of it. How about "friend of my son" or
more
> > >elegant equivalent?
> > >
> > >BW
> > >
> > >
> > >Colin
> > >
> > >
> > >----- Original Message -----
> > >From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 11:50 AM
> > >Subject: new sub Cradle snatching
> > >
> > >
> > >Cradle snatching
> > >
> > >For the last few mornings, I have seen him
> > >crouched upon the roof
> > >rat a tat tatting with his little hammer
> > >knocking in the nails
> > >placing the tiles upon the roof
> > >chest bare to the elements
> > >trousers fitting snugly, around
> > >his tight little arse
> > >showing a hint of blue boxers
> > >but no builders bum
> > >
> > >Sometimes he stops
> > >pat his peks
> > >wipes the sweat from his forehead
> > >
> > >When it drizzles
> > >his six pack ripples in the rain
> > >his hairless chest glistens
> > >like it has just been polished
> > >and a gold chain dangles around his
> > >neat little neck
> > >sways with the rhythm of his movements
> > >
> > >He is Art in motion
> > >the builder of lost dreams
> > >and some mother's son.
> > >
> > >Sally James
> > >
> > >_________________________________________________________________
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> >
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