Sally,
Yes I did like it and I think/feel the poem is ninety percent there. Maybe
the last line could become 2 or 3 lines if it would be helpful (to add
piognancy to what is also quite an amusing poem). I don't know what change
you made since then and it could easily be that you have already amended it
to your satisfaction.
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 8:39 PM
Subject: Re: new sub Cradle snatching/Sally J
> Thanks for your careful reading Colin, you are right about the last line.
I
> have altered it after a sugestion from Barbara. To "and the same age as my
> son". You are right about the "pecs" too, I should know this. I did have
my
> doubts about "and no builders bum" so will revise again. I am glad you
like
> it. Sally J
>
>
> >From: hui dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: new sub Cradle snatching/Sally J
> >Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 13:07:14 +0100
> >
> >Sally,
> >
> >I like this poem but I'm not sure about the last line. I suppose that
even
> >on the second reading and with the helpful title it comes across as too
> >surprising. The first part of the poem is concise and vivid and comes
with
> >an amusing shift from the possibility of an elfin figure to the sexual
> >athlete of the remainder of the poem. That's great because it's funny and
> >because it reminds the reader that things are seldom as they seem. I
might
> >leave out the last line of S1 " but no builder's bum" because it is too
> >serious and concrete and detracts a little from the energetic shift in
gear
> >in the lines preceding it. Peks should be pecs? BTW. Would Art in this
> >context have a capital letter. I don't know. But it's worth checking and
> >others might know for sure. To return to the last line, the line before
it
> >is excellent. It suggests the passage of time, wistfully apparent but
then
> >after that excellent penultimate line there is the confusing possibility
> >that the man on the roof is the narrator's son (separated from his
> >biological parents at birth, according to the title). Of course that
could
> >just be my defective reading of it. How about "friend of my son" or more
> >elegant equivalent?
> >
> >BW
> >
> >
> >Colin
> >
> >
> >----- Original Message -----
> >From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: <[log in to unmask]>
> >Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 11:50 AM
> >Subject: new sub Cradle snatching
> >
> >
> >Cradle snatching
> >
> >For the last few mornings, I have seen him
> >crouched upon the roof
> >rat a tat tatting with his little hammer
> >knocking in the nails
> >placing the tiles upon the roof
> >chest bare to the elements
> >trousers fitting snugly, around
> >his tight little arse
> >showing a hint of blue boxers
> >but no builders bum
> >
> >Sometimes he stops
> >pat his peks
> >wipes the sweat from his forehead
> >
> >When it drizzles
> >his six pack ripples in the rain
> >his hairless chest glistens
> >like it has just been polished
> >and a gold chain dangles around his
> >neat little neck
> >sways with the rhythm of his movements
> >
> >He is Art in motion
> >the builder of lost dreams
> >and some mother's son.
> >
> >Sally James
> >
> >_________________________________________________________________
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