Sally,
I like this poem but I'm not sure about the last line. I suppose that even
on the second reading and with the helpful title it comes across as too
surprising. The first part of the poem is concise and vivid and comes with
an amusing shift from the possibility of an elfin figure to the sexual
athlete of the remainder of the poem. That's great because it's funny and
because it reminds the reader that things are seldom as they seem. I might
leave out the last line of S1 " but no builder's bum" because it is too
serious and concrete and detracts a little from the energetic shift in gear
in the lines preceding it. Peks should be pecs? BTW. Would Art in this
context have a capital letter. I don't know. But it's worth checking and
others might know for sure. To return to the last line, the line before it
is excellent. It suggests the passage of time, wistfully apparent but then
after that excellent penultimate line there is the confusing possibility
that the man on the roof is the narrator's son (separated from his
biological parents at birth, according to the title). Of course that could
just be my defective reading of it. How about "friend of my son" or more
elegant equivalent?
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 11:50 AM
Subject: new sub Cradle snatching
Cradle snatching
For the last few mornings, I have seen him
crouched upon the roof
rat a tat tatting with his little hammer
knocking in the nails
placing the tiles upon the roof
chest bare to the elements
trousers fitting snugly, around
his tight little arse
showing a hint of blue boxers
but no builders bum
Sometimes he stops
pat his peks
wipes the sweat from his forehead
When it drizzles
his six pack ripples in the rain
his hairless chest glistens
like it has just been polished
and a gold chain dangles around his
neat little neck
sways with the rhythm of his movements
He is Art in motion
the builder of lost dreams
and some mother's son.
Sally James
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