Grassy,
Just piggy-backing in here and hope that's okay. Nice to see poems that
reflect an enjoyment of the moment and the simplicities... if that is what
they are. Could be that they are on some level of post-ironic turbo-satire
and you hate ornithology. I'm no ornithologist but would a female wren sing?
I (really) don't know the answer to this, but characteristically male birds
declare themselves in possession of a territory through song. Of course this
is not a statement about what females and males should and shouldn't do, so
much as an empirical observation.
Not sure about "the dangers in the grass" either. Is it very long grass? But
the first two lines suggest proximity to a house. What about suggesting an
airborne predator such as a sparrow hawk? (Please ignore this if it's
metaphorical grass.)
I like part 2 about the thrush much better. I agree with Bob about surmounts
and also that it is reminiscent of poems by John Clare or poems written
around that time (which I enjoy as much as many modern poems BTW). Like them
it is a little anthropomorphic in tone, but then if you are aware of that
and use it to reflect something about the state of mind of the listener then
it can be put to good effect,as you have done here.
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, January 09, 2004 8:05 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: Garden birds- Bob
> Dear Bob,
> Many thanks for your comments.
> I confess I'm quite attached to surmounts, but I'll think about it.
Orb
> can go -how about 'coin' instead --linking it more to the silver and gold?
> Kind regards,
> grasshopper
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, January 09, 2004 7:16 PM
> Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Garden birds
>
>
> > Hi Grasshopper,
> > Canny poem! Johnny Clare-ishly canny!
> > A couple of nots to pick:
> > "Surmounts" is an awkward word for a nifty bird...
> > and I'm not so sure about the "orb" (comparing suns and orbs became
> > something poetic to snigger about a couple of hundred years or so ago -
> and
> > I'm not sure the word's ready for a come back yet... ).
> > Any chance of another (maybe more 21st century usable, 21st century
> > belongable) bit of word/image play?
> > Bob
> >
> >
> > >From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: New sub: Garden birds
> > >Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 17:49:07 -0000
> > >
> > > Garden birds
> > >
> > > I
> > >
> > >A wren outside my window
> > >preens in the glossy rhododendron leaves
> > >then spills a line of liquid slip slip notes
> > >three times too large for her frame.
> > >Light as air, brown as earth,
> > >she challenges the winter sky.
> > >Jaunty-tailed, quick, and brave,
> > >she does not know her size
> > >or count the dangers in the grass.
> > >
> > > II
> > >
> > >A song-thrush surmounts the birch.
> > >Bare of leaves, the tree shines
> > >its bark into the grey day.
> > >The thrush is singing fiercely, sweetly,
> > >claiming branches and bark,
> > >and the orb of heavy sun,
> > >claiming silver and gold, marking all
> > >as his own, his own, wrapped
> > >in the strands of a high strong web.
> > >
> > > grasshopper
> > >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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