Hi Sally,
Interesting piece this! (I like the idea of pages where poems happen being
described under the title - Spaces. I like the idea of the huge spaces just
beyond the words and lines and shape of a poem!)
I'd do a bit of work on the second stanza if it were mine. Chop off a line -
with a carving knife? LOL -the one about the patter of tiny feet - eurgh,
how hackneyed! And the words "the fiend" is something I'd think about too
(in fact the whole line isn't essential to the poem... it's merely adding to
the reactions of the previous line! So BO)TH lines may need some
consideration!). Find something to say more original, less borrowed from
what everybody already knows well that describes how we react. (Hint: it
makes a sound, what sounds does the narrator, or her chair, make?)
The notion of a mouse zooming, is fascinating too! I think of them scuttling
or scampering... zoom seems as if it was airborne!
So the whole mouse bit of the poem set me into "change this?" mode. But the
whole poem had me in a "Like this" mode.
I'm also interested in how I react to your lack of punctuation. You only use
Caps, a very occasional comma, and a full stop only at the end. As with your
Heptonstall poem, it works OK. It does! But I guess I may end up looking and
pondering... Hoping it doesn't become a pattern that traps a poem in a mould
it doesn't fit!
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new sub Spaces
>Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2004 10:11:03 +0100
>
>Spaces
>
>In the early morning, words slide easily
>across this blank page
>there is nothing new to do today
>no one to smile to, to say hello
>to cuddle too or let my fingers
>twirl a piece of straying hair
>
>Last night I saw a mouse
>it zoomed across the kitchen floor
>I didn’t scream, jump on a chair
>or set a trap to catch the fiend
>I welcomed the patter of its tiny feet
>like the spider that hangs from the wall
>the dogs that clutter around my chair.
>
>
>S james
>
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