Hi Frank,
I'm with grasshopper's comments here.
... and part of me's thinking that this poem's about another relationship
than the one between the two birds but the birds are a way of expressing
thingsw that matter; so, if you say a little more about the bird (or birds)
it might be possible to carry the similarities further...
The most intruiging line for me is the repeated line: "too close"! I
sometimes wonder, "too close to what exactly?" I guess it's the traffic, I
guess at longer phrases for the first "too close" and come up with "too
close to things that move past at speed" (not the best of phrases, I admit!)
and then put the second "too close" and feel what's happening in the poem's
getting yet another dimension... know what I mean?
I guess I'm thinking that, in poems, details can add surprising, intruiging,
depth.
Bob


>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: sub - loss of a rosella
>Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 18:51:49 +0100
>
>Frank,
>This feels a bit 'strung out' to me. I'd like to see a bit of beefing up
>-eg
>how about a more specific description of a rosells than 'beautiful bird of
>colours'. My immediate thought was 'what colours'. I'd like to see the bird
>more. Also, if you're not going to use punctuation, I think you have to
>think very careful about using breaks to provide the appropriate stress. I
>particularly noticed this at the end, where I would have put:
>I don't wonder how
>to go on
>I wonder
>why
>
>or perhaps just 'but' instead of 'I wonder'
>
>Kind regards,
>   grasshopper
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Frank" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Monday, June 07, 2004 1:43 PM
>Subject: [THE-WORKS] sub - loss of a rosella
>
>
> > I have seen a rosella
> >
> > beautiful bird of colours
> >
> > standing on the roadside
> >
> > too close
> >
> >
> >
> > too close
> >
> >
> >
> > until the end
> >
> > seems somehow inevitable
> >
> >
> >
> > when it's mate has gone
> >
> > the bird doesn't know
> >
> > how to live
> >
> > anymore
> >
> >
> >
> > I feel your absence
> >
> > like loss of the good part
> >
> > of myself
> >
> >
> >
> > I don't wonder
> >
> > how to go on
> >
> > I wonder
> >
> > why
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The Book of Evenings is now available for purchase online. Check it out
>and
> > a review of the book on the Tales of Faust webpage at
>www.talesoffaust.com
> >
> > While you're there, if you find something you like, take the time to
> > nominate a poem for a future publication by the Tales of Faust
>publishing
> > team.

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