Hi Grassy,
Thanks for this. I'm a bit like Sally J in having lots of work under
construction at any given time and fully endorse your comments on the
puntuation here as it was ran through pretty quick.
bw
James
>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Man On The Bench
>Date: Thu, 3 Jun 2004 12:34:27 +0100
>
>Dear James,
>I think this is a good 'character sketch', but my feeling was that it
>needed
>a bit more punctuation. I think you want the reader to move smoothly
>through
>it, but I had to backtrack a few times, which spoilt the flow...
>Kind regards,
> grasshopper
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 12:35 PM
>Subject: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Man On The Bench
>
>
> > Nice to be back. I missed you all. Here's one about somebody I wrote
>about
> > before. I'm light on punctuation at present as its a first draft from
>the
> > note book and the form may change too. Comments very welcome.
> >
> > MAN ON THE BENCH
> >
> > The man who used to sit
> > on a bench outside the library on sunny days
> > has now forsaken that location
> > has moved to a bench outside the parish church
> > and sits there under trees
> > that in late spring
> > give good leaf shade from the sun
> >
> > He ignores all who pass
> > gives out signals he would prefer not
> > to speak and talk about this drastic move
> > and lack of motivation to now sit in the sun.
> >
> > Maybe its the nearness to the church
> > or just a sudden aversion to the sun -
> > but he now appears not anxious about anything
> > does not hold his hands open on the long skinny length
> > of his lap with eyes closed as if in prayer
> > but sits with eyes like slits as if
> > even dylight of any sort is too bright.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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