Hi Sally,
Thank you for your kind comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
I'll try putting in the "and" that you suggest and read it out loud a few
times. It's sometimes hard to "hear" it in your head.
I think you've got a point about there needing to be something after
"pillow" - I'm not sure what's wrong at the moment, but sometimes when I
read it, there's something a bit abrupt about it.
Regards,
Matt
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf
Of Sally James
Sent: 25 May 2004 15:01
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub
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I really like this. Sleeping alone can have its benefits. I like the title
as it suggests the twitches and disturbances that occur during sleeping. I
would change the last two lines of the first verse to "and in the gathered
gloom, only the radio's glow can throw any light on the matter I have just
added an extra sylabble with "and" I also feel there should be another line
after" or the lack of a cat on my pillow" And maybe a little more to add to
the last two lines to finish the poem off. It seems I must like this poem as
I just want a bit more of the same. Sally J
>From: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
><[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub
>Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 16:23:12 +0100
>
>All criticisms and suggestions gratefully received
>
>
>
>Twitch
>
>I sleep too easily now you're not here.
>No more orange half-night sliced by blinds
>to tiger-stripe the room, or ghosts of trees
>that left you lying underwater. Now it's
>new curtains that could baffle the Luftwaffe.
>In the gathered gloom, only the radio's glow
>can throw any light on the matter.
>
>And stretching out those extra few feet, the cool
>sheets are another relief, like knowing the window
>can stay closed, or the lack of a cat on the pillow.
>I'm out like a scented tea-light, where once last whispers would have
>laced the shallowest calm, until your restless legs,
>always kicking against the pricks,
>sent us scrambling back from the edge.
>
>Every night, without fail,
>as if you couldn't bear to call it a day.
>
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