Hi Rob, Thanks. Yes, I could make Ted and Sylvia more elusive. And I agree
with the cliche "of held them in their grasp" I did not intentionally think
of Jerusalem though which is interesting. Will work on this some more. Bw
Sally J
>From: [log in to unmask]
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Hebden Bridge in May
>Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 08:20:24 -0400
>
>Hi Sally
>
>I'd like to put in a word for the first stanza here. True to say that Ted
>and Sylvia could be a bit more elusive and I think p0erhaps 'held them in
>their grasp' is borderline cliche, but I do like the echoes of 'Jerusalem'
>in the phrasing. don't know if that was intentional.
>
>In the second stanza, I think some pruning would help a lot. For example,
>in the first line I think 'a kind of' is wasted; similarly, 'a hint of' is
>implied by 'flavours' in L6. Definitely worth another look.
>
>Good luck with it.
>
>Rob
>
>
>
> >Hebden Bridge in May
> >
> >Did Ted walk these streets
> >am I standing where he once stood
> >did Sylvia shed tears near this stream
> >did the shops beckon quietly
> >or was it the moors, the heath
> >the steep grassy slopes
> >that held them in their grasp?
> >
> >There is a kind of peace here
> >a new age charm that billows
> >around my skirt
> >there is a pulse in the air
> >as soft as their whispers
> >a hint of sadness flavours the cobbles
> >and poetry dances from forgotten footsteps
> >Blossom drips here now
> >from newer branches
> >falls like confetti
> >around my ankles.
> >
> >Sally James
> >
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