Thanks Gerald. I much appreciate your guidance on the haiku. Note also that
the prose section did not feel too florid. Regards Arthur.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Gerald England" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2004 11:30 AM
Subject: Re: New sub: Follow the Yellow Brick Road


> I've now read both versions of this.
>
> On the whole I prefer the first. I think you've tidied up the prose a bit
in
> the revised version and probably mostly for the best.
>
> But I'll concentrate my comments on the poems.
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Arthur Seeley" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 2004 6:30 PM
> Subject: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Follow the Yellow Brick Road
>
>
>
> Patter of nali nuts
> down through the fans of palm.
> Parrots tree-top feast.
>
> I think it would look better and be more in the tradition of haibun if
this
> read
>
> Patter of nail nuts
> down through fans of palms --
> parrots tree-top feast.
>
>
>
> Fine webs trailed and brushed
> face and cheek and naked arms
> canopy leaked blue.
>
> Why have you changed this to past tense?
> whilst the narrative prose is past tense, the poetry really ought to be in
> the present
> your original
>
> Fine webs trail and brush
> my face and cheek and arms
> the canopy leaks blue.
>
> seems to me only to suffer from too many ands
> and i'd recommend
>
> Fine webs trail,
> brush face, cheek, naked arms --
> the canopy leaks blue.
>
>
> Flickers of lightning
> distant thunder bodes more rain
>            light along the leaf.
>
> I much prefer your original poem
>
> Hornbill's clash of beak,
> distant thunder bodes more rain,
> thud of falling nut.
>
> unless you trying not to circle back to the nali nuts at the beginning
>
> I like the look of
> light along the leaf
> it makes the
> flickers of lightning
> line redundant
>
> on the other hand I do like the introduction of the hornbill
>
> two possible compromises
>
> Hornbill's clash of beak,
> distant thunder bodes more rain --
> light along the leaf.
>
> Light along the leaf,
> distant thunder bodes more rain --
> thud of falling nut.
>
> all the best
> Gerald
>
>