I've now read both versions of this.

On the whole I prefer the first. I think you've tidied up the prose a bit in
the revised version and probably mostly for the best.

But I'll concentrate my comments on the poems.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Arthur Seeley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 2004 6:30 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Follow the Yellow Brick Road



Patter of nali nuts
down through the fans of palm.
Parrots tree-top feast.

I think it would look better and be more in the tradition of haibun if this
read

Patter of nail nuts
down through fans of palms --
parrots tree-top feast.



Fine webs trailed and brushed
face and cheek and naked arms
canopy leaked blue.

Why have you changed this to past tense?
whilst the narrative prose is past tense, the poetry really ought to be in
the present
your original

Fine webs trail and brush
my face and cheek and arms
the canopy leaks blue.

seems to me only to suffer from too many ands
and i'd recommend

Fine webs trail,
brush face, cheek, naked arms --
the canopy leaks blue.


Flickers of lightning
distant thunder bodes more rain
           light along the leaf.

I much prefer your original poem

Hornbill's clash of beak,
distant thunder bodes more rain,
thud of falling nut.

unless you trying not to circle back to the nali nuts at the beginning

I like the look of
light along the leaf
it makes the
flickers of lightning
line redundant

on the other hand I do like the introduction of the hornbill

two possible compromises

Hornbill's clash of beak,
distant thunder bodes more rain --
light along the leaf.

Light along the leaf,
distant thunder bodes more rain --
thud of falling nut.

all the best
Gerald