Hi Bob
I'm a bit late coming to this
but as I try to deal with list mail
I see your reply to some crits but seem to have deleted the crits
so if my remarks mirror or ignore previous ones
then sorry about that.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2004 3:28 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] Some Suburban Midnight
Some Suburban Midnight
And how many men are stood like this in their socks,
bare legged as they shake then hang up their trousers,
they/then
shake/hang
the overabundance of h's in this line makes for awkward reading methinks
smooth what's draped on other hangers, then quietly
close the wardrobe before peeping between curtains
while their wives turn a page and muffle a yawn?
Outside there are stars, countless stars,
countless stars seems a bit of a cliche
stars they never notice except on holiday
when they glance up in the warmth of a barefooted instant
the warmth of a barefooted instant
beautiful original phrase --love it
perhaps mentioning childhoods when they stared,
as how many other children have stared,
this sentence construction calls for a ? after stared
amazed
at their scatteredness, their distant sacredness.
Soon they will lie with the light of their thoughts
too many "their"s!!
are "they" who lie
still the star-gazing children
or the man and his wife?
not realising that all they ever wanted is here
as it was before they looked up from some beach,
as it was before they didn't look up, a blessing
in the stillness of their dark bedroom right now.
Bob
It is an interesting poem but its prosaic nature doesn't make me engage with
it too readily but then I'm the sort who takes his socks off first and
places his trousers ready for tomorrow rather than on a hanger!
all the best
Gerald
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