Hi Sally,
I few points I'd like to make...
1. The title, in the way it's written, is too explaining IMO! We know before
we start what to expect. I guess it's just a working title.
2. I'd miss off the "the" before sun (it looks neater without it - and,
subtly, it plays with the two "the"s in the lines above it in not being
there! I know what I mean: the word "the" can add or detract from nouns...
as can putting an "a" in front of one.)
3. The last stanza... seems to be saying, "If you don't get what all this is
about then here it is in plain english!" I'm wondering about getting rid of
it -- but I'm also wondering if the poem could take another, maybe more
engigmatic, image... there may be things in the garden that "show" so the
narrator needn't "tell."
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new sub Birthday memories
>Date: Thu, 6 May 2004 21:53:18 +0100
>
>Birthday memories
>
>I wanted to send you a card
>wish you happiness
>
>Last year we had lunch
>held hands in a garden
>talked of the future
>
>I remember the day
>the blossom on the trees
>the perfume in the air
>the way the sun danced on the water
>
>Now we are apart
>you can age no more
>unlike me.
>
>sally james
>
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