Thanks Sally E will work on this Sakky J
>From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub Birthday memories
>Date: Sat, 8 May 2004 16:05:05 +0100
>
>If you just mention the point in the last stanza, its a bit obvious, but if
>you took it a bit further, about whether you would end up different ages
>or
>not, it could be quite thought provoking.
>bw
>SallyE
>
>on 8/5/04 12:34 pm, Sally James at [log in to unmask] wrote:
>
> > Hi Christina, Yes I know what you mean. It is too simplistic (is this a
> > word). I think the last stanza can be removed too. Thanks. Sally J
> >
> >
> >> From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
> >> Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >> To: [log in to unmask]
> >> Subject: Re: new sub Birthday memories
> >> Date: Sat, 8 May 2004 04:19:13 EDT
> >>
> >> Hello there, Sally. This almost works for me because of the simple
> >> sincerity
> >> it conveys. It starts to lose something in the third stanza: the
>images
> >> are
> >> too familiar. Maybe it needs less of them, maybe it needs something
> >> fresher.
> >> I'm not sure. I'd scrap the last stanza in its current form. The last
>two
> >> lines in particular spoil the poem for me. Maybe you can say what
>you're
> >> saying in images instead? What do you think?
> >> bw
> >> christina
> >>
> >>>> Birthday memories
> >>>>
> >>>> I wanted to send you a card
> >>>> wish you happiness
> >>>>
> >>>> Last year we had lunch
> >>>> held hands in a garden
> >>>> talked of the future
> >>>>
> >>>> I remember the day
> >>>> the blossom on the trees
> >>>> the perfume in the air
> >>>> the way the sun danced on the water
> >>>>
> >>>> Now we are apart
> >>>> you can age no more
> >>>> unlike me.
> >>>>
> >>>> sally james
> >>>
> >>
> >
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