Hi Bob,

Thanks for your thoughtful comments on this matter.

I'm aware of the conventions you describe, and have been known to use them
at times, but not as a rule. And yes, I do want to show the pauses and guide
the reading on the page as well as when spoken. I sort of feel it needs to
be the same - one poem, one presentation, but multiple purposes. Guess I'm
at odds with a lot of folk on that one and just have to live with it.

The crit has its effect though - usually in subsequent pieces that may well
be a little longer in line length, because I can't be impervious to comment,
even if I'd like to be. Never mind. The next stage is song, in any case - a
whole new field to master and new conventions to strain.

Cheers, and thank you.

Frank



Hi Frank,
I don't know if reading this'll help but I hope it does.
With your poem I too was initially prompted by the three lines that
mentioned his hat, his scarf and gloves, to start shuffling things round,
and snipping, and joining things up! That stanza, with just the three items
in it, looked wrong.
I guess you were wanting to show reading pauses ie for performing, for
reading out loud to someone who doesn't have a text in front of them and I -
and others - were responding to text we saw.
I've got a few copies of poems I read at performances where my reading
script is different to the poem on the page. Sometimes I need to read from
sheets of paper until I'm familiar with the poem (and the sheet of paper
includes words like "pause" or I may have underlined all the "t" sounds I
want highlighted in a line or two when I'm reading, or one poem had the
instruction, "look up here and smile"!). No-one else is supposed to see
these copies, or my book I use for perfoming with!
I sensed that you were wanting to have performance-pauses but I was looking
at on-the-page-pauses and I was "trying" to get the words into lines - where
each line carried its own weight of meaning (more than letting a performer
know when to pause because listeners don't have the screen, or a sheet of
paper, in front of them).
And then a tough thing to say, poems need punctuation. They do. The commas,
full stops, dashes, and all else are part of the tool-kit (as are what you
use: line-breaks). They're there to help readers (and they do, they do!).
Long lines need more help to appear on the page than short lines, but when I
look at my keyboard I see I've got lotsa keys with little marks on them and
,. and - are the three I usually use in poems. (But I also use italics,
occasionally BLOCK Capitals, and, sometimes, quotation marks, the "). I've
quite a limited repertoire. but they give me scope to write poems that can
then use all kinds of shapes on the page - and I wouldn't be scared to
include the other things I've got on the keyboard because, dammit, it's the
poem that needs them so why shouldn't I let the poem have them!!!!
Bob
who doesn't think he's used a semi-colon in a poem for 10 years but who, if
the need arose, would hope he'd use one!



> > change of seasons
> >
> > he dresses himself
> > in the first long coat
> > of the cool season
> >
> > the weather has fallen
> > the chill a drifting hover
> > above the ground
> >
> > gloves
> > a scarf
> > the knitted woolen cap
> >
> > the deciduous footpaths
> > are a litter of brown leaves
> > the sky
> > fading skeletal finger-shadows
> > of bare branches
> > and disappearing cloud
> >
> > the first mist materialises
> > with each exhaled breath
> > as he walks
> > hands in pockets
> > along the streetscape
> > of new night
> >
> > he is empty
> > as the feeling of the season
> >
> > ~
> >
> > a bicycle inquisition flashes past
> > all yellow reflections
> > and strobe-light examination
> > of presence and purpose
> >
> > the dog of indifference
> > sprays piss and paws the ground
> > oblivious
> >
> > at the corner of corio and maude
> > the light peering down
> > is a loneliness he avoids
> > by adherence to shadows
> >
> > why does the man-shape
> > behind a telling glow of cigarette ember
> > dally against the fence
> > what purpose to its watching
> >
> > move on
> >
> > ~
> >
> > on the avenue of exposure
> > there are no trees
> > no cover
> >
> > here it is rapid steps
> > and multiple following shapes
> > each drawn directly from the placement
> > of his feet
> > spreading out
> > a pointer to each available direction
> >
> > there is no help here
> >
> > he expected none
> >
> > expected nothing
> >
> > ~
> >
> > his shoulders have slumped
> > the further he has walked
> > the closer he feels
> > to the ground
> >
> > there is no comfort in these places
> >
> > above him
> > the darkness is complete
> > save for the twinkling lies
> > of faded representatives
> >
> > they do not assist
> >
> > ~
> >
> > in the light of a shopfront
> > he draws his cap lower
> > stops to look at the gaudy collection
> >
> > vacuum cleaners
> > refrigeration
> > a compact disk rack
> > one silent wide-television
> > flashing images and colour
> >
> > there is confusion here
> >
> > move on
> >
> > a vacant block is home
> > to a blackened gutted shell
> > that once sold yellow
> > faux-leather divans
> > reclining lounge wear
> >
> > an eyesore still
> >
> > ~
> >
> > his nostrils are uncomfortable
> > sensitised by the intake of cold air
> >
> > to wipe it would require
> > extraction of hand from glove
> >
> > he sniffs
> >
> > turns the corner
> >
> > there is no point
> > in stopping
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The Book of Evenings is now available for purchase online. Check it out
>and
> > a review of the book on the Tales of Faust webpage at
>www.talesoffaust.com
> >
> > While you're there, if you find something you like, take the time to
> > nominate a poem for a future publication by the Tales of Faust
>publishing
> > team.
> >

_________________________________________________________________
Stay in touch with absent friends - get MSN Messenger
http://www.msn.co.uk/messenger