Hi Mike,

Yes, this is helpful - I can try to deal with specifics of content better
than I seem able to deal withthe line length issue at the moment. As I just
indicated to Sally, I've got the grumps witht he piece at the moment. So it
will have to wait just a little while before a further revision.


Cheers,


Frank


> Hello Frank,
              I´ve had a look at some of the other comments on this piece
and note that they have focused largely on the question of line length. I
certainly can´t pretend to offer anything theoretically sound on this
question and it´s one that I often find problematic in my own writing. I
would just say that as far as the reading experience goes I didn´t find
myself troubled by the short lines here as much as some other readers have
been.
What I would like to comment on are some aspects of your language use here.
I felt, quite strongly, as I read that there were awkward phrases,
constructions and diction in some places. For example, `the weather has
fallen´ strikes me as contrived. The temperature has fallen, or the weather
has cooled. The next two lines `the chill.....above the ground´ refers to a
familiar experience but again seems to be expressed in an unnecessarily
awkward way. Why make `hover´ a noun? The chill hovers above the ground says
the same thing more clearly and concisely (to me) and it is a good idea, the
way we sometimes feel that layer of cold air hovering close to the ground. I
had similar problems with the section `the sky / fading skeletal
finger-shadows /of bare branches´. This seems to me inaccurate. `skeletal
finger-shadows´ might describe winter branches, but surely not the sky.
Again, `adherence to shadows´ feels contrived. `adherence to´ suggests the
holding of convictions. If we walk on the shady side of the street, why not
say `sticking (or keeping) to shadows.
So, I think my suggestion might be to focus attention in a rewrite on the
use of language (more so than on line-breaks, would be my suggestion). I´d
like to add that I thought the ending, from `there is confusion here´ to the
end, worked very well.
I hope this is useful.



Best wishes,   Mike



> Lähettäjä: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/04/19 ma PM 03:48:52 GMT+03:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: sub - change of seasons
>
> change of seasons
>
> he dresses himself
> in the first long coat
> of the cool season
>
> the weather has fallen
> the chill a drifting hover
> above the ground
>
> gloves
> a scarf
> the knitted woolen cap
>
> the deciduous footpaths
> are a litter of brown leaves
> the sky
> fading skeletal finger-shadows
> of bare branches
> and disappearing cloud
>
> the first mist materialises
> with each exhaled breath
> as he walks
> hands in pockets
> along the streetscape
> of new night
>
> he is empty
> as the feeling of the season
>
> ~
>
> a bicycle inquisition flashes past
> all yellow reflections
> and strobe-light examination
> of presence and purpose
>
> the dog of indifference
> sprays piss and paws the ground
> oblivious
>
> at the corner of corio and maude
> the light peering down
> is a loneliness he avoids
> by adherence to shadows
>
> why does the man-shape
> behind a telling glow of cigarette ember
> dally against the fence
> what purpose to its watching
>
> move on
>
> ~
>
> on the avenue of exposure
> there are no trees
> no cover
>
> here it is rapid steps
> and multiple following shapes
> each drawn directly from the placement
> of his feet
> spreading out
> a pointer to each available direction
>
> there is no help here
>
> he expected none
>
> expected nothing
>
> ~
>
> his shoulders have slumped
> the further he has walked
> the closer he feels
> to the ground
>
> there is no comfort in these places
>
> above him
> the darkness is complete
> save for the twinkling lies
> of faded representatives
>
> they do not assist
>
> ~
>
> in the light of a shopfront
> he draws his cap lower
> stops to look at the gaudy collection
>
> vacuum cleaners
> refrigeration
> a compact disk rack
> one silent wide-television
> flashing images and colour
>
> there is confusion here
>
> move on
>
> a vacant block is home
> to a blackened gutted shell
> that once sold yellow
> faux-leather divans
> reclining lounge wear
>
> an eyesore still
>
> ~
>
> his nostrils are uncomfortable
> sensitised by the intake of cold air
>
> to wipe it would require
> extraction of hand from glove
>
> he sniffs
>
> turns the corner
>
> there is no point
> in stopping
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
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