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Subject:

Re: sub - change of seasons - Bob and christina

From:

Helen Clare <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 19:15:43 +0100

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (267 lines)

Nope, on here its all about the reader and when
you use line breaks
that reflect
the way you
would read
and force
your idioms onto us
it disrupts our
reading which can be
annoying but can also be
ok if that's
what you want but
you should be aware
that you
are
doing
it
H

----- Original Message -----
From: "Frank" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 7:05 PM
Subject: Re: sub - change of seasons - Bob and christina


> Hee hee - you've really made think now, and I have to tell you that at 4am
> that's a real issue for me!
>
> What I try to do in my reading and therefore in the written presentation,
is
> to get the audience to visualise the wal or whatever it is, with me.
>
> I want them to focus on
>
> first the gloves
>
> then the scarf
>
> then the hat or whatever it was I had next.
>
> Step
>
> step
>
> step
>
> My own frustrations are that I don't always get that quite right until
after
> I've read a piece a couple of times and most get read only once, if at
all,
> so there's not much opportunity for testing in this way. Still, that's the
> effect I'm seeking and why the short lines are so prominent, I think.
>
> Don't know if that helps or hinders, but I'm going back to bed.
>
> Cheers,
>
>
> Frank
>
>
> > Bob and c,
> >
> > I think it just occurred to me why the notion of longer lines is a touch
> > difficult for me. It's about reading to an audience.
> >
> > I've found I engage more and more with an audience of listeners by
reading
> > slower, using the voice to place right em-phasis on correct syll-a-ble.
> >
> > Some of the longer lines suggested to me have still retained some of the
> > rhythms I've sought, some don't, but I have a sense that if I tried to
> read
> > them to an audience that I'd be galloping where I need to stroll,
> blundering
> > on where I need to pause.
> >
> > It's all
> > about
> > the listener
> >
> > the audience
> >
> > don't you
> > think?
> >
> > Cheers,
> >
> >
> > Frank
> >
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Frank" <[log in to unmask]>
> > To: "The Pennine Poetry Works" <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Wednesday, April 21, 2004 3:45 AM
> > Subject: Re: sub - change of seasons - Bob
> >
> >
> > > Hi Bob,
> > >
> > > Thnaks for your efforts here. I'm afraid they don't work for me at
all,
> as
> > > they tread fairly heavily across effects I was seeking (with or
without
> > > success) and a presentation style that I'm comfortable with, although
> some
> > > readers apparently aren't.
> > >
> > > Just one example:
> > >
> > > the weather has fallen. In the chill >gloves>a scarf>the knitted
woolen
> > cap
> > >
> > > turns an approach into a fairly flat (for me) statement that I simply
> > > wouldn't use - it wouldn't occur to me to arrange work in that way.
> > >
> > > I have a feeling that folk sometimes read this kind of work and
think -
> > > well, why wouldn't you make that longer, without getting a sense of
why
> I
> > > might have laid it out as I did in the first place. On the other hand
it
> > > might simply be a stylistic affectation. Hope not, but could be.
> > >
> > > Oh well.
> > >
> > > I'll try posting a long line piece just for the halibut, soon.
> > >
> > > Cheers,
> > >
> > >
> > > Frank
> > >
> > > Frank
> > >
> > > ----- Original Message -----
> > > From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
> > > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > > Sent: Wednesday, April 21, 2004 2:17 AM
> > > Subject: Re: sub - change of seasons
> > >
> > >
> > > > Hi Frank,
> > > > I'm gonna give this a real good haircut and shave...
> > > > Why?
> > > > Well, to see what it looks like, see if all of it's essential, see
if
> it
> > > can
> > > > still say what it's saying when it's saying less...
> > > > I guess making long lines (as I've done) is an unFrank thing - and
> > > something
> > > > that may mean that commas and full stops are needed in what I've
done.
> > So
> > > it
> > > > may be that you want to revert to shorter lines!
> > > > I guess the questions I'm asking are: is it focused? and is every
> word,
> > > > ebvery space, working? (but I haven't focused too much on getting
the
> > > spaces
> > > > right...)
> > > > Bob
> > > >
> > > > >From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
> > > > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > > > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > > > >Subject: sub - change of seasons
> > > > >Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:48:52 +1000
> > > > >
> > > > >change of seasons
> > > > >
> > > > >he dresses himself >in the first long coat>of the cool season
> > > > >
> > > > >the weather has fallen. In the chill >gloves>a scarf>the knitted
> woolen
> > > cap
> > > > >
> > > > >the deciduous footpaths>are a litter of brown leaves
> > > > >the sky's bare branches>and disappearing cloud
> > > > >
> > > > >the first mist materialises with each breath
> > > > >as hands in pockets he walks along the street>of new night
> > > > as empty as the season
> > > > >
> > > > >~
> > > > >
> > > > >a bicycle flashes past>all yellow reflections>and strobe-light
> > > > a dog of sprays piss and paws the ground oblivious
> > > > at the corner of corio and maude
> > > > >the light peering down is a loneliness he avoids
> > > > why does the man-shape behind a telling glow of cigarette ember
> > > > dally against the fence what purpose to its watching
> > > >
> > > > >move on
> > > > >
> > > > >~
> > > > >
> > > > on the avenue there are no trees, no cover
> > > > here it is rapid steps there is no help here
> > > >
> > > > he expected none
> > > > expected nothing
> > > > >
> > > > >~
> > > > >
> > > > >his shoulders have slumped the further he has walked
> > > > >the closer he feels>to the ground
> > > > >
> > > > >there is no comfort in these places
> > > > >
> > > > >above him the darkness is complete
> > > > >save for the twinkling lies
> > > > they do not assist
> > > > >
> > > > >~
> > > > >
> > > > in the light of a shopfront he draws his cap lower
> > > > stops to look at the gaudy collection
> > > > vacuum cleaners refrigeration a compact disk rack
> > > > one silent wide-television
> > > > >there is confusion here
> > > > >
> > > > >move on
> > > > >
> > > > >a vacant block is home to a blackened gutted shell
> > > > >that once sold yellow faux-leather divans
> > > > >reclining lounge wear
> > > > >an eyesore still
> > > > >
> > > > >~
> > > > >
> > > > He sniffs
> > > > >his nostrils are uncomfortable
> > > > >to wipe them would require extraction of hand from glove
> > > > >he sniffs
> > > > turns the corner
> > > > there is no point>in stopping
> > > > >
> > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > >
> > > > >The Book of Evenings is now available for purchase online. Check it
> out
> > > and
> > > > >a review of the book on the Tales of Faust webpage at
> > > www.talesoffaust.com
> > > > >
> > > > >While you're there, if you find something you like, take the time
to
> > > > >nominate a poem for a future publication by the Tales of Faust
> > publishing
> > > > >team.
> > > >
> > > > _________________________________________________________________
> > > > Tired of 56k? Get a FREE BT Broadband connection
> > > > http://www.msn.co.uk/specials/btbroadband
> > > >
> > >
> >
>

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