Hi Frank,
I'm gonna give this a real good haircut and shave...
Why?
Well, to see what it looks like, see if all of it's essential, see if it can
still say what it's saying when it's saying less...
I guess making long lines (as I've done) is an unFrank thing - and something
that may mean that commas and full stops are needed in what I've done. So it
may be that you want to revert to shorter lines!
I guess the questions I'm asking are: is it focused? and is every word,
ebvery space, working? (but I haven't focused too much on getting the spaces
right...)
Bob

>From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: sub - change of seasons
>Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:48:52 +1000
>
>change of seasons
>
>he dresses himself >in the first long coat>of the cool season
>
>the weather has fallen. In the chill >gloves>a scarf>the knitted woolen cap
>
>the deciduous footpaths>are a litter of brown leaves
>the sky's bare branches>and disappearing cloud
>
>the first mist materialises with each breath
>as hands in pockets he walks along the street>of new night
as empty as the season
>
>~
>
>a bicycle flashes past>all yellow reflections>and strobe-light
a dog of sprays piss and paws the ground oblivious
at the corner of corio and maude
>the light peering down is a loneliness he avoids
why does the man-shape behind a telling glow of cigarette ember
dally against the fence what purpose to its watching

>move on
>
>~
>
on the avenue there are no trees, no cover
here it is rapid steps there is no help here

he expected none
expected nothing
>
>~
>
>his shoulders have slumped the further he has walked
>the closer he feels>to the ground
>
>there is no comfort in these places
>
>above him the darkness is complete
>save for the twinkling lies
they do not assist
>
>~
>
in the light of a shopfront he draws his cap lower
stops to look at the gaudy collection
vacuum cleaners refrigeration a compact disk rack
one silent wide-television
>there is confusion here
>
>move on
>
>a vacant block is home to a blackened gutted shell
>that once sold yellow faux-leather divans
>reclining lounge wear
>an eyesore still
>
>~
>
He sniffs
>his nostrils are uncomfortable
>to wipe them would require extraction of hand from glove
>he sniffs
turns the corner
there is no point>in stopping
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>The Book of Evenings is now available for purchase online. Check it out and
>a review of the book on the Tales of Faust webpage at www.talesoffaust.com
>
>While you're there, if you find something you like, take the time to
>nominate a poem for a future publication by the Tales of Faust publishing
>team.

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