Dear Sally,
I like the idea behind this poem, but I feel the phrasing you have chosen
causes unnecessary difficulties eg
and it was you who was me having a birthday
and neither you, who will, nor me, who will not feel old,
The first person seems to be the subject of the verb, so has to be 'I' , I
think.
I wonder if if wouldn't be better to keep to a more simple construction
throughout ,like
I wish you were having a birthday,
or
I wish you were celebrating a birthday,
instead of getting confirmed....
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally Evans" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2004 9:22 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] Poem: A time to be silent
> I wish it was you having a birthday
> instead of you getting confirmed
> in a religion you know I do not believe in
> as if to say your life has nothing to do with me
> which you have a right to say
> but could say at less cost to yourself.
>
> I wish it was you having a birthday
> and you were not getting any older
> and not worrying about reaching a certain age
> and not finding it necessary to invite
> stray intellectual men to your apartment
> and then being surprised you were propositioned
>
> I wish it was you having a birthday
> instead of mourning a parent's death
> in a cocoon of your self sufficiency
> which is not really self sufficient
> else why this sudden conversion and why
> was I suddenly not enough of a friend for you
>
> I know I have no right to wish you anything
> but I wish it was different, which means to say
> it would all have to be very different indeed
> and it was you who was me having a birthday
> and neither you, who will, nor me, who will not feel old,
> opening this year's easter eggs, silently.
>
> Sally Evans
|