Hi Ryfkah,
Scuse me being brutal here with the scissors! But I think things can happen
with this... But I'd cut chunks out first... (the moth and the hip hop band
seem scene-setting images that don't get any resonance further down the
poem!) so I'm left with:
Glass empty (or "Glasses empty"?)
I hold her hand
nails deep scarlet
like her lips Fingers
with silver rings slither
across mine
Our shoulders touch
We kiss Our perfumes
wed The swell of our
breasts merge We are
Lillith and Eve
EveryWoman
(Now I know what the poem's about!)
(Moths & Sighs are sort of weary of being in poems... in the UK we'd say
Mills & Boonish!)
(but now I'd worry about the word "kiss" - it's a bit ordinary...)
(then I'd wonder if the "Eve & Lillith/Everywoman" is right... it's an
intruiging image but it seems stuck onto the poem to maybe hide something
else, something more original perhaps...)
Bob
Who's loved the way you've incorporated bands in your poems in the past -
but can't find any of that energy here!
>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: Blue Moon Cafe on Brown Derby Street
>Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:42:25 EST
>
>4tete #168/Blue Moon Cafe on Brown Derby Street
>
>Glass empty
>I shrug and sigh
>A moth hovers
>within dim lamplight
>The hip hop band
>plays Life liberty
>and the pursuit
>of happiness hums
>I hold her hand
>nails deep scarlet
>like her lips Fingers
>with silver rings slither
>across mine
>Our shoulders touch
>We kiss Our perfumes
>wed The swell of our
>breasts merge We are
>Lillith and Eve
>EveryWoman
>
>Ryfkah 3/28/04
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