Hi Rob,

Welcome to works and many thanks for your detailed analysis of my first
draft of this piece. I think you covered all that needs to be done. I'll
anguish about some changes though.



bw
James





>From: [log in to unmask]
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub:The Tall Thin Man
>Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 15:16:41 EST
>
>
>
>Hi
>
>Firstly, I should introduce myself as a newcomer. I arrived here via the
>AAPC
>newsgroup and the Gazebo on The Alsop Review (A very occasional contributor
>to both), I live and work in Bath and have been writing, on and off, for a
>few
>years.
>
>Enough of that; I thought I'd offer a few nits on this poem. I liked the
>idea
>of it, but I found a few things in the execution that I stumbled over:
>
>
>
>THE TALL THIN MAN
>
>I missed the tall thin man today
>who sits on a bench outside
>the public library on good days
>
>**I didn't think 'on good days' worked, especially in conjunction with the
>first line ending. At the very least I think I would play with the line
>breaks
>and make it a bit less jarring. But I wonder if those words could be
>replaced
>with something like 'often' in the second line - the 'good day' being made
>clear in the next line anyway.
>
>
>and basks in the sun
>raises his head to receive its rays
>extends his arms his hands open
>
>**I'm missing some punctuation here. I like to avoid overdoing it myself
>but,
>even so, I really notice the lack of pauses, especially after 'basks in the
>sun' and around 'his hands open' .
>
>
>as if he somehow prays -
>light like this looks to be to him
>
>**That's quite a painful inversion to my ears. I'd prefer something like
>'this light looks to him to be'.
>
>the difference betwen life and death.
>
>**'between'
>
>There have been many non-sun days.
>
>**That's quite effective as an idea, but something feels awkward and
>mannered
>about 'non-sun days'. How intention is the suggestion of 'Sunday' in this
>and
>the next line? If it was, I'm not sure I understand why.
>
>
>This is a good week day sun day
>
>**Should that be 'weekday'? My comments about 'sun day' follow from what I
>said above.
>
>with no cloud - though cold.
>
>His bench in the sun is empty
>
>though kids on skateboards
>and bikes are here
>
>**I read a pause there. Sounds like the end of the sentence to me.
>
>friends and families walk
>and talk
>
>**both components of this phrase sound a bit stale. Something more
>evocative
>would be nice - a little flash of detail perhaps.
>
>
>though no true sunworshipper today-
>
>**Why 'true'?
>
>maybe the darkness got him.
>
>**I like the last line and, despite all the nit picking above, I think
>there's some potential for something more atmospheric and vivid here. Good
>luck with
>it.
>
>Rob Yeatman
>
>bw
>James

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