> Hello James,
There´s a very nice tone and atmosphere to this one IMHO. There are a few small things that I would query, though these are just questions, if you disagree then bin them. First, I wonder about using the word `somehow´ in line 7. Does it add anything to the poem? In line 11 you have `day´ twice and `sun´ once, having used both words in the previous line. It may be that you are after an effect of repetition here but I felt it jarred a bit. Have you noticed the typo with `weekday´? I was undecided about `non-sun´, at first I thought it sounded rather contrived when `sunless´ would be more natural, but I wonder if you wanted a pun on `Sunday´. Finally, I would question whether you need the last line at all. The poem sets up a nice air of mystery and I feel the last line tries to suggest a slightly facile `solution´ and comes over as melodramatic, contrary to the tone of the poem. I hope these thoughts are useful. The poem as a whole comes over really well.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/03/22 ma PM 03:46:20 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New sub:The Tall Thin Man
>
> This is a rough cut from the notebook. I'd be interested in what you think.
>
> THE TALL THIN MAN
>
> I missed the tall thin man today
> who sits on a bench outside
> the public library on good days
> and basks in the sun
> raises his head to receive its rays
> extends his arms his hands open
> as if he somehow prays -
> light like this looks to be to him
> the difference betwen life and death.
>
> There have been many non-sun days.
>
> This is a good week day sun day
> with no cloud - though cold.
>
> His bench in the sun is empty
>
> though kids on skateboards
> and bikes are here
>
> friends and families walk
> and talk
>
> though no true sunworshipper today-
>
> maybe the darkness got him.
>
>
> bw
> James
>
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