Hi Fraank,
I guess painters often paint self-portraits - not because they can't afford
a model but because they want to show something of themselves. But I must
admit I find their self-portraits more difficult to get involved with... but
that may just be me!
I think it's the same with this poem. I'm not comfortable with it, or
excited by it, in its present form. It could be that I'm longing for it to
say what it's saying by using some objects/things/images - but that's
probably because I feel that's what poetry does best: "no ideas but in
things," so a poem with a sieve in it is sadder than a poem with a pan! I
guess, when there's things in a poem, the more abstract and reflective bits
can be short - if they need be there at all.
Reflective comments are part of poetry, as well! But I feel more comfortable
when I discover them in poems alongside other things. I think thast's when
they really find their power. I've added comments alongside the bits I find
interesting - bits that do stand up stronger than the rest IMHO, bits that
feel as if they could work above or below where you're showing us what's
going on with images/scenes from a life.
For me, therefore, I feel this isn't working as a poem I want to read a few
times. After I'd read it I thought, "been there, done it... but I want to
see some"thing" - I want the T-shirt!
Sorry I can't be of much more help,
Bob
>From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: sub - an absentee; a companion
>Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2004 22:45:33 +1100
>
>an absentee; a companion
>
>and it comes
>at last
>in these middle years
>even to me (LIKE THIS STANZA - IT FEELS AS IF IT COULD INTRODUCE
>SOMETHING... I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING THO AS YOU THINK THIS...)
>
>tempestuousness
>it seems
>passes with youth
>until a point
>
>you searched for it long ago
>but I was hungry then
>driven
>moving at pace
>
>ravenous
>
>my analysis
>yes I was the analyst even then
>my analysis knew
>that you longed for affection (THIS PHRASING, TOO, HAS A FRESHNESS TO IT!!!
>IMHO)
>for evidence
>of that soft emotion
>
>while I
>sought what I believed
>were the great intimacies
>physical knowledge
>too soon then
>for me to pursue
>the gentle sport of peace of mind
>
>perhaps that's the nature
>of youth
>pursuit of the unattainable
>simplistic complexity
>
>until
>another day spent alone
>wondering who's to be called (THESE 3 LINES ARE V. STRONG, TOO!!!)
>to break the surrounding silence
>and a realisation that affection
>is a desirable absentee
>with regret
>an abiding companion
>
>I remember though
>what you wanted
>
>know that I have arrived there
>in these middle years
>such a long way
>behind you
>
>~
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