Hi Gerald,
I really like the first stanza of this! I'm thinking, "Yeh, this is gonna be
fun!"
But then I find I'm feeling there's less fun happening for me when the
hailstone line appears I stumble a little over its rhythm, but that might
just be me, and you could be trying to echo the rattling as well!.
I also find the rest of the stanzas have slightly more discernable rhymes
(but "windows," and "sky" seem not to have rhymy sounds - and "proud" and
"up" are quite a distant apart...) so it might be that my ear is expecting
things to happen at the end of all the lines. I don't think I've trained my
ears to expect a strict sonnet - because the lines ain't pentameters! they
like the jaunty shortness - but they still feel a tad dissapointed by
something.
The poem ends well, so I think it's mischeif's missing in the middle.
Bob
Who also enjoys the way I find allusions to plenty of classic poems
chuckling to themselves beneath what you've written!


>From: Gerald England <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: A wouldbe sonnet for spring
>Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2004 20:05:19 -0000
>
>A wouldbesonnet for spring
>
>O to be where you are
>now that Spring is here
>uphill blows the wind
>overturning wheelie-bins
>
>under the bending willow-tree
>bright daffodils stand proud
>hailstones rattle at the windows
>the birds are nowhere to be seen
>
>clouds scamper in the graydark sky
>no sun no moon no stars
>we turn the central heating up
>put on an extra layer
>pull curtains across the door
>and wish we were elsewhere
>
>Gerald England

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