Hi Frank,
I agree with Frances. I liked this and don't think it's too angst-y at all.
I think the tone throughout is regretful but never self-pitying, and the
ending offers possibilities of further progress, and further regret. Most of
all, though, I think it's recognisably your tone.
Also, I think those lines:
"my analysis
yes I was the analyst even then
my analysis knew..." undercut any chance the poem might have veered into
teen angst.
The only stanza I wasn't so sure about was:
"perhaps that's the nature
of youth
pursuit of the unattainable
simplistic complexity"
Just sounded a bit awkward. Not sure what should be done though, so that's
probably no help to you!
But definitely don't bin it, IMHO.
Regards,
Matt
-----Original Message-----
From: MF Kennedy [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: 22 March 2004 20:04
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: sub - an absentee; a companion
THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN SWEPT FOR VIRUSES BY THE NORTHCLIFFE GROUP MAILSWEEPER
SERVER.
Not so fast Frank, I protest complete dismissal of this work. My first
response was not teenaged angst, but instead mature adult understanding and
a renewal of tenderness after many years together. Such feelings are not
the exclusive domain of teenaged lovers, to think so is in itself aging;
their expression may be clumsy but yours is not. Frances
----- Original Message -----
From: "Frank" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, March 22, 2004 2:41 PM
Subject: Re: sub - an absentee; a companion
> Hi James,
>
> Thanks for comments, and fair call on your views of the piece.
>
> Writing is tough going at the mo and it shows, sadly.
>
> never mind.
>
> Cheers,
>
>
> Frank
>
>
> > Hi Frank,
> >
> > This drifting philosophical tone doesn't fit your style well. You
> > are
much
> > better when you focus on something concrete and draw poetry from
actuality
> > rather than supposition based on mind thoughts. Its a difficult
> > balance
to
> > achieve. Hang this in some kind of context and it would come through
> > a
lot
> > better. At present I find it not much further on from teenage
> > angst.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > >
> > >an absentee; a companion
> > >
> > >and it comes
> > >at last
> > >in these middle years
> > >even to me
> > >
> > >tempestuousness
> > >it seems
> > >passes with youth
> > >until a point
> > >
> > >you searched for it long ago
> > >but I was hungry then
> > >driven
> > >moving at pace
> > >
> > >ravenous
> > >
> > >my analysis
> > >yes I was the analyst even then
> > >my analysis knew
> > >that you longed for affection
> > >for evidence
> > >of that soft emotion
> > >
> > >while I
> > >sought what I believed
> > >were the great intimacies
> > >physical knowledge
> > >too soon then
> > >for me to pursue
> > >the gentle sport of peace of mind
> > >
> > >perhaps that's the nature
> > >of youth
> > >pursuit of the unattainable
> > >simplistic complexity
> > >
> > >until
> > >another day spent alone
> > >wondering who's to be called
> > >to break the surrounding silence
> > >and a realisation that affection
> > >is a desirable absentee
> > >with regret
> > >an abiding companion
> > >
> > >I remember though
> > >what you wanted
> > >
> > >know that I have arrived there
> > >in these middle years
> > >such a long way
> > >behind you
> > >
> > >~
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Find a cheaper internet access deal - choose one to suit you.
> > http://www.msn.co.uk/internetaccess
> >
>
DISCLAIMER
Any opinions expressed in this email are those of the individual and not
necessarily those of the Leicester Mercury Group. This e-mail and any other
files transmitted with it are confidential and solely for the use of the
intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient or the person
responsible for delivering to the intended recipient, be advised that you
have received this e-mail in error and any use is strictly prohibited. If
you have received this e-mail in error, advise the sender immediately by
using the reply facility in your e-mail software. This message should not be
seem as forming a legally binding contract unless otherwise stated.
|
