Rosalind,
I agree with what Arthur said elsewhere. I am probably more tolerant of
length and verbosity than most. As I see it the reader can simply speed up
and condense it in their mind as they go long. I find your poem more easy to
assimmilate than many shorter ones. However even by my standards this is
pretty well-padded. Take the stacked modifiers in L3 of S1 for instance.
They compete with each other to say something about the clouds and in the
end diminish rather than enhance the impact of the clouds.
Also I would feel inclined to have some kind of policy about capitals at the
beginning of lines and sentences. It doesn't matter to me what that policy
is, whether you start all lines with capitals or only use capitals at the
beginnings of sentences. Others would disagree but for me this is just an
arbitrary variation in style. (Nor would it matter to me if your policy
changed from one poem to the next.) However your use of capitals at the
beginnings of lines comes across as almost random, particularly as the poem
is thin on punctuation. This makes it difficult for me to absorb the poem
and to know where the emphasis shifts as the poem progresses.
What I do think good about the poem is that it is about a beefy subject. To
have significant content forgives a lot in my view. Your poem opens a wide
space, with contrasts included (in the world of the poem) and gives me
something to think about. I may not remember any of the words afterwards but
I remember what it was about.
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Rosalind Dooley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, February 14, 2003 11:20 PM
Subject: An Almost Perfect day
Hello to all:) This is my first time, so hopefully the
format of the text appears 'readable'.
This is my contribution.
On an almost perfect day.
Like battleships oer the stratosphere
Surrounded by oceans of Steely Blue
Grau opague threatening and ominous clouds
obliterating the sun from my view.
Below, swiftly moving wisps of Gray lines
about the city escarpments ensue
Heading east along building skylights
Camouflaged and disappearing from view.
The wind of change urges them ever forward
separating high strata from wisps waves,
A silver bird with a red tail feather
Heading out westward over the ocean sprays
Puffs of cotton wool textured clouds
puffed out like a peacokc's breast
White starbursts dot the distant horizon
Painted like cannon fodder and undue distress.
And , lying face up on a park bench,
Oblivious to traffic parading
Carboned egg-foul stench of unleaded fumes,
Under the gum trees canopy shading
The sun's misty halo trying to penetrate
a curtain veiled in prisms of subdued light
Sunbeams sparkling softly through the gloom
Reflecting philosophical insight
Yet, far away across the same stgratosphere
War drums beat across blue skies and fiery sun
Obliterated by flocks of armoured birds
and camouflaged lines, now soldiers with guns.
Young men on burning snads await commands
Encircled by foreign lands, alienated
from their loved ones over the horizon
Practice drills, their presence hated.
Innocence of another soul sacrificed
Brothers and sisters they do not know
Killing fields cries of despair and anguish
From scared victims, terror they show.
Napalm burnt and cindered flesh hang loose
Limbed torn bodies shattered
Scarred tissue crimped like patterned shells
Torso's lay in trenches scattered
A cry of a child's mournful howl
whilst the fury still rages onward
Mankind in disbelief stand and stare
A mother rocking her kinfolk wails.
And who are these people, we do not know?
Gentlefolk like you and me, on their own
Blues skies in the distance, so far away
Cloudless, sun, on an almost perfect day.
Rosalind Dooley
copyright 11th February 2003.
----- Original Message -----
From: "arthur seeley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, February 14, 2003 8:27 PM
Subject: Please read : List protocol
Hi everyone, I have my moderator's hat on at the moment( a rather elegant
black snap-brim fedora that emphasises my classical Grecian profile, but
that's another story)
There has been a bit of a turnover in the List population lately
for one reason or another so it will not harm to re –iterate some of the
guidelines that ensure the smooth running of the List.
The List is a fundamentally a workshop and its purpose is to
allow poets to test their work against the opinions of their peers. In
addition to this function the List allows for the dissemination of
information relating to poetry readings, publications, etc. It is hoped that
occasionally some debate about poetics can usefully take place.
This has always been in my experience a friendly, helpful site.
I personally recognise I am a better poet for being here. It has to be hoped
that sometimes something more than a cyber friendship can develop and that
is a side benefit to be enjoyed.
The site is widely used and there is considerable exchange of
mail with subscribers from all over the world. The danger of viral infection
being transmitted is hence high. The danger of this happening can be
mitigated by ensuring that all mail sent to the site is done so in ‘plain
text’. If you use Outlook Express this is done by clicking on ‘Format’ and
then clicking on ‘plain text’ on the drop-down menu.
Apart from mitigating the dangers of infection some subscribers
have old computers and ‘rich text’ is received as a jumbled mess. This of
course limits the readership of work sent in that form and consequently
limits feedback.
The giving of criticism should always aim to be constructive and
helpful. It is expected on most Lists, and no less on this one, that if you
submit one poem you should comment on at least three others. The comment can
be in detail or brief. Not all of us are profuse commentators/critics so
brevity is to be expected sometimes. It is possible to be robust in our
criticism and courteous at the same time.
In many ways it understandable to see our poems as our children
and to be defensive of them and to be hurt and upset if the criticism we
receive is not what we wanted to hear. The way we receive criticism should
be based on the assumption that the criticism offered is done so in the
manner prescribed in the preceding paragraph. We have taken our poem and
offered it for comment and we must accept that the comments received are
honest, personal and intended to be constructive in the development of the
poem and, ultimately, in the development of ourselves as poets. Whatever the
nature of the criticism it a courtesy to thank the critic for their time and
effort in responding.
If anyone feels the need to address someone’s work in a manner that
is not constructive and helpful this should be done back channel ( b/c),
which is to do it by personal exchange of e-mails and not through the List.
At the same time The List is not a Chat room. It is left to
subscribers good sense to recognise what is pertinent to the List and its
purpose and what is Chat and to use the List or go back channel accordingly.
This does not limit or frown upon light banter.
The List is not a censor and subscribers are free to use whatever
language they choose. However, it has to be acknowledged that not everyone
wants to read what they consider to be offensive language, material or
themes. If anyone submits work that might be construed in that manner then
the poem should carry a warning as a precursor to the poem.
These are not rules. They are an acceptable protocol established when
the list was established. They ensure that the purposes of the site are met
in a friendly air of encouragement.
Anyone who feels this protocol is inhibitive or restrictive are free to
discuss the issues with me b/c at [log in to unmask]
Thanks for reading , Arthur.
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