Arthur,
Thank you for your comments:)
I agree with "pulse"; it is a long arguement I've had with many a poet.
Intonnation relys on
accents, therefore rhythm would vary considerable from any English speaking
person.
And, as for "in your face" :)) yes, that was the idea....totally.
People need graphic images to relate war....the word itself (war) has been
bandied
around so often, that, in my opinion, the consequences that follow, never
make political
rhetoric. The deed of war is then lost, in every sense of the word.
It was a timely reminder of possible catastrophic events that may
enter into our fairly 'safe' life.
I would prefer the 'safe' life, rather than live with the threat of being
invaded, or
killed, as the ordinary Iranian people are at this present time.
Having said all of that, it is always good to have an evaluation, as certain
pertinent
points 'brought up' allow the growth of 'good' and 'fine', to be, maybe
'excellent'.
Thank you, once again.
Rosalind.
----- Original Message -----
From: "arthur seeley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, February 16, 2003 1:51 AM
Subject: Re: An almost perfect day
> Welcome to the List, Rosalind.
> Since this is a workshop I assume you would like some comment on the
piece.
> Personally I like metre and rhyme, they are part of our poetic palette.
> However if they push me to say things in an awkward manner then their use
> has to be questioned. Rhyme should occur almost naturally or at least
appear
> to do so. Today half-rhymes and even quarter-rhymes are totally acceptable
> as end rhymes and are even more effective, sometimes, if embedded in
> mid-line. I understand that metre is part of the music of the poem but if
it
> makes me put extra words in just for the rhythm to be maintained then
again
> one has to look again at the purpose and wonder if that purpose is being
> served. Personally I think more in terms of what I call 'pulse' rather
than
> metre. Pulse, to me, is closer to the rhythms of common speech, note I
mean
> only the rhythms of common speech. One of the troubles with the pulse idea
> is that it is MY idea of common speech and those rhythms will differ in
> various parts of England never mind the rest of the English speaking
> world.Someone reading my work in say, Wales or Scotland could impart a
> wholly different rhythm to a piece.Which is an argument for a strict meter
I
> suppose.
> The point I am trying to make by this long preamble is that your
> requirements of rhyme and rhythm have forced you to clutter the poem with
> extra words.
> I think to that you have spent a lot of time on the description of the day
> and I know that is done to create a contrast with what is foreboding; the
> beauty of the day and the ugliness and horror of war. The long description
> of the day forces you into an equally long description of the war. Almost
I
> feel my nose being rubbed in it. I understand that but I do feel your
point
> would be as well made, perhaps better made, with a little less poem.
> This is a fine first piece of work to submit, pertinent and timely and
makes
> a worthy point and I hope you will not feel that I have been too unfair.
> Remember it is only my opinion and if you feel it helps I am happy if you
> feel it is unhelpful then please ignore it. Keep posting.Regards, Arthur
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