Welcome to the List, Rosalind.
Since this is a workshop I assume you would like some comment on the piece.
Personally I like metre and rhyme, they are part of our poetic palette.
However if they push me to say things in an awkward manner then their use
has to be questioned. Rhyme should occur almost naturally or at least appear
to do so. Today half-rhymes and even quarter-rhymes are totally acceptable
as end rhymes and are even more effective, sometimes, if embedded in
mid-line. I understand that metre is part of the music of the poem but if it
makes me put extra words in just for the rhythm to be maintained then again
one has to look again at the purpose and wonder if that purpose is being
served. Personally I think more in terms of what I call 'pulse' rather than
metre. Pulse, to me, is closer to the rhythms of common speech, note I mean
only the rhythms of common speech. One of the troubles with the pulse idea
is that it is MY idea of common speech and those rhythms will differ in
various parts of England never mind the rest of the English speaking
world.Someone reading my work in say, Wales or Scotland could impart a
wholly different rhythm to a piece.Which is an argument for a strict meter I
suppose.
The point I am trying to make by this long preamble is that your
requirements of rhyme and rhythm have forced you to clutter the poem with
extra words.
I think to that you have spent a lot of time on the description of the day
and I know that is done to create a contrast with what is foreboding; the
beauty of the day and the ugliness and horror of war. The long description
of the day forces you into an equally long description of the war. Almost I
feel my nose being rubbed in it. I understand that but I do feel your point
would be as well made, perhaps better made, with a little less poem.
This is a fine first piece of work to submit, pertinent and timely and makes
a worthy point and I hope you will not feel that I have been too unfair.
Remember it is only my opinion and if you feel it helps I am happy if you
feel it is unhelpful then please ignore it. Keep posting.Regards, Arthur