Thanks Bob,
for your comments and suggestions
david
Bob Cooper wrote:
> Hi David,
> I get the picture a lot clearer with this poem than with the previous one -
> where I could only be maudlin...
> I like the simplicity here but (isn't there always a but?)
> - - - (not always, but usually...) - - -
> I don't like:
> "A pool of liquid souls
> deep from war and hate,
> blackness trickles down"
> - it sounds sort of MUCH TOO LOUD for a poem that can say what it's saying
> with the quieter phrases you use in the first and the last stanzas.
> I'd think about the repetition of the word "rust" too.
> And is the word "innocence" right? Should it be "innocents" (a collection of
> people who're innocent?)
> And could the "a" on the first line not be put at the start of the next
> line?
> Ah, questions, questions... cos I like what's going on here!!!!
> Bob
>
> >From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Well of souls too full
> >Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2003 00:01:24 -0330
> >
> >A fall moon wears a
> >foreboding ring and
> >cast a light upon the rim
> >of a pool perfectly round.
> >
> >Reflections lost within.
> >
> >A pool of liquid souls
> >deep from war and hate,
> >blackness trickles down
> >to rust the hinges on,
> >
> > Hell's rusty gate.
> >
> >The juniper stands ready
> >under a mountain's shade
> >to catch the lost innocence
> >before they sink and fade.
>
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