Let us chant this in the cathedrals and embassies.
-Terri
Let us chant until the rocks cease to bleed.
*
I'll confess my problem with this type of poem that tells me what words and
poems can do---have you ever read a novel when the author describes a
storyteller telling a wonderful story, and you think: I'd rather be
listening to that story than reading this one?-grasshopper
G, fair enough, but I do like Smart and Bell and maybe someday will get it
betta. BTW, I envision the Canticle book length, so this is a fragment to
me. (g)
*
Is there a spello in line three (sewn, I think?). I like the mournful sounds
of 'you have sewn from rules set down' and the dust jacket idea - very neat.
I'm not sure about elevatorless - it feels a bit lost and possibly not a
very sastifactory construction? Nude feels (to me) a peculiar word in this
context - did you choose it for the run/nude sound? I suppose it's because
I associate it so much with painting and, for me, it has more complicated
associations than naked - less free in a sense. 'let them gentle take a lost
child by the hand' - gently? Do you need fool just before be foolish? Love
the spit in the well line and the ending's good. I stay with this one but
I'm not sure whether it might benefit from trimming a few of the weaker
lines?
bw
christina
Christina, changes made for your read. Good calls. And this added to
separate fool and foolish
let them forget their origins
do not let them go to war on each other
let them fade to a better bright
As for weaker lines. To me, a poem of this length needs some places to rest
so they all can't be limes on kenees though.?
*
There's the heritage of Whitman and Ginsberg shining through
here. While I'm abe to accept the continued repetition I do wonder if it's
ultimately intrusive and the same cumulative effect can still be achieved
without.-James
More Smart I think, but I do need to look at variation.
* Ryfsis, grins back at ya.
*
why not try doing this rather than telling us about what you would like to
do with words? PM
Paul, I hope I have a time or two, but I keep missing the boat on the limes.
Thanks all for the read.
Gary
Jan Jenifer Lawrence at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html ---
Writer's Hood at http://www.writershood.com/... Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas
sí, balas no!
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