Dear Barbara,
 I thought this poem started off in an interesting way, but then seemed to
run out of steam.

<<gaze deep
beneath the gauze of filtered light>>
To me, this was an intriguing image- I thought of a bandage over the
eyes,which is picked up in the wounded stare, then dropped. Next we have a
list of contrasting abstractions, but they are too vague to be engaging.

<<you'll see a story of normalcy or insanity>>
What I feel about this line is that it's perhaps the sort of generalisation
that we read poetry to avoid. Normalcy-sanity -what do they mean? Isn't the
vast majority of human experience in the midfield,escaping pat definitions
like this?

Also I have a bit of a problem with the sense here:
<<concealed within laugh lines or wounded stare
you'll see a story of normalcy or insanity>>
If the stories are concealed, how does the gazer see them? Would 'revealed'
be a better word than 'concealed' here?

>>of action or reaction
a chemical story
a nerve story<<
This is starting to get interesting -and it links back to the image at the
start,I feel.

>>all drafted in a mix of blue green or brown
within the eyes<<
But we're back to a list, this time eye-colours, which isn't that
interesting.

I'm going to suggest a possible starting point for a revision-I'm not
suggesting it is better-just different, and perhaps may spark off a new
slant for you.Apologies if it's of no help:

Eye Contact
(Barbara's original version below)

gaze deep
beneath the gauze of filtered light
revealed within laugh lines or wounded stare
you'll see action and reaction
a chemical tale
a nerve story

all drafted in the iris
of the eye


Eye Contact

gaze deep
beneath the gauze of filtered light
concealed within laugh lines or wounded stare
you'll see a story of normalcy or insanity
a story of over and under activity
a story of battle or peace
of action or reaction
a chemical story
a nerve story

all drafted in a mix of blue green or brown
within the eyes

BBO
©7/30/02

----- Original Message -----
From: Barbara Ostrander
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2003 11:21 PM
Subject: new sub: Eye Contact



Dear List,

Happy New Year.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to make hard copies of
all my poetry to paste in a book, so I will be going back through my poetry
to submit here for final critiques.  I would appreciate your help with this
process.  Some of them you may have seen before and I apologize ahead of
time for that.

I welcome all thoughts and suggestions.
Barbara Ostrander


Eye Contact

gaze deep
beneath the gauze of filtered light
concealed within laugh lines or wounded stare
you'll see a story of normalcy or insanity
a story of over and under activity
a story of battle or peace
of action or reaction
a chemical story
a nerve story

all drafted in a mix of blue green or brown
within the eyes

BBO
©7/30/02


"The eye is the window of the soul."