Brilliant. I'll do it. Philip



>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: Work, if you can get it (Terri)
>Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 21:28:41 -0000
>
>Dear Philip,I've missed the original post of the revision, so I'm
>piggybacking on Terri's comments.
>First of all I think S2 is very good, but I think it shows up the rest of
>the poem in comparison.
>Heart is always a dodgy word -when it's combined with a full harbour, I
>think it's a definite no-no, and I'd re-think that last verse. I think, on
>the simplest level it's OTT in terms as to the response to the situation
>described here.
>Also ,shouldn't it be We lambs, rather than Us lambs ?
>Kind regards,
>  grasshopper
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Monday, January 27, 2003 9:20 PM
>Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] new submission: Work, if you can get it (Terri)
>
>
>Oh dear, what did I say?
>
>The study title is pretty dire - which is, I suppose, intentional. I wonder
>if I prefer the unintentional?
>
>Terri )O(
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
>Behalf Of Philip Burton
>Sent: 27 January 2003 09:19
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: Work, if you can get it (Terri)
>
>
>Thanks Terri, I'd love to have your crit of the second draft because I see
>your evidence for the unintentional ambiguity and hope to have smoothed it.
>Philip
>
>
>SECOND DRAFT AND RE-TITLED....
>
>
>...in England now                                                   Philip
>Burton 28/1/03
>
>
>She rides the Harrod's lift
>all day between Ground and Fourth -
>a sometime Polish au pair
>
>with a return ticket, pinned
>to grandmother's bodice
>loose as tug-smoke on her.
>
>She's hitched from Gdansk
>to research "social interaction
>in English elevators".
>
>Us lambs, of course, are silent
>in city tubes and cages.
>She stands, perseveres
>
>yet hosts a disappointment
>that breaks over the full harbour
>of your heart.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >From: alderoak <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: new submission: Work, if you can get it
> >Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 08:20:27 -0000
> >
> >an intriguing observation. I can't help thinking of her as some kind of
> >prostitute, though I have also the feeling that is not your intention
> >
> >I like the oxymoron - 'English elevators'.
> >
> >Terri )O(
> >
> >
> >-----Original Message-----
> >From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
> >Behalf Of Philip Burton
> >Sent: 27 January 2003 01:05
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: new submission: Work, if you can get it
> >
> >
> >Work, if you can get it
> >
> >
> >
> >She rides the Harrod's lift
> >all day between Ground and Fourth -
> >a sometime Polish au pair.
> >
> >She points to a return ticket, pinned
> >to a grandmother's bodice
> >loose as tug smoke on her.
> >
> >She's hitched from Gdansk
> >to research the verbal exchanges
> >found in English elevators.
> >
> >Us lambs, of course, are silent
> >in city tubes and cages.
> >She kind of perseveres
> >
> >yet hosts a disappointment
> >that breaks over the full harbour
> >of your heart.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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