Dear Terri,
I am more confused now-I've obviously misread it.
I thought she was asked to wait in the corridor 'in elegant discomfort' and
that she was being turned down-and thought she was emphasizing with the
grubby snowdrops at the end. So it must be the 'he' who is being rejected? I
dunno- I feel I need to know a bit more about him.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>>
Sent: Friday, January 24, 2003 8:55 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] sub: membership
> thanks to everyone who commented
>
> grasshopper and everyone who got confused as to who was who - you have all
> been very helpful - I have rejigged the grammar
>
> it should be
>
> The knock.
> Perfectly controlled, she breathes, 'Come in',
>
> a millisecond late as if
> she might have been engaged.
>
> So that 'she' says come in
>
> and thanks also to davidc - without the discussion on emotion-poetry -
this
> might never have been written
>
> Terri )O(
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
> Behalf Of grasshopper
> Sent: 24 January 2003 16:11
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: sub: membership
>
>
> Dear Terri,
> I enjoyed this, but feel the beginning lets down the end, which is very
> good.
> The narrative at the start is a bit too clipped to be clear, especially
> about who he and she are :
>
> The knock.
> Perfectly controlled, she breathes. 'Come in'
>
> a millisecond late as if
> she might have been engaged.
>
> That needs sorting out, I think, because it makes the reader stumble
there,
> and check backward and forward to work out who says Come in, and if the
> speaker said it a millisecond late. What I think is implied is that 'her'
> entrance is deliberately delayed -but a different break would make it
clear,
> and emphasise that delay.
> Also I would look at 'past-painted presidents', -aren't all paintings
> past-painted, unless the artist is still at work on them? I think I know
> what you are aiming for there- the flaunting of a long tradition, but I
> think there's a better way to express it.
> Kind regards,
> grasshopper
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:27 PM
> Subject: [THE-WORKS] sub: membership
>
>
> Membership
>
> 'Do you mind?' 'Of course not.' So she waits,
> poised in elegant discomfort,
>
> supervised by cut glass decanters
> and past-painted presidents.
>
> The knock.
> Perfectly controlled, she breathes. 'Come in'
>
> a millisecond late as if
> she might have been engaged.
>
> 'The membership committee have considered your request.'
> A pause. He coughs. Polite, she looks away,
>
> out into the winter garden, where,
> awkward as a toe-hole in a tight-tucked sheet of snow
>
> a bunch of grubby snowdrops
> hang their heads.
>
>
> Terri )O(
>
>
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